› The Gloves are Off › Daily Funnies › The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny
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April 5, 2013 at 5:13 am #316895
CulArtStudent
Written by Anna Lind Thomas, blogger of “hahas for hoohas”:
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn.
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob.
On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit.
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying.
Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble.
Big trouble.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.
I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free.
Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“what’s going on?” rob yells back to me, “why are you …” then it hit him. i could see it in his eyes. was it surprise?
horror? water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “oh my god, i can taste it!” he screamed.
it was chaos. we were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. we were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. we both gulped in fresh air. i was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered i just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished i was dead.
he pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop i had already jumped out, “ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like i was running from the cops.
i burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where i was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, ever, hear coming from another person.
outside. my. bathroom.
door.
“get away from the door!” i scream like reagan from the exorcist.
“ok, i’m sorry. are you okay?”
“i’m fine, rob – just leave the shoes there. i’ll call you later okay?”
“okay, are you sure you’re …”
this man! i mean, i love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
finally, i heard the front door shut, and the cobra engine zoom away. i thought that was the last i’d hear from him. i didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
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April 6, 2013 at 7:15 pm #438619
bethaliz6894
it took me 10 minutes to read this. i was laughing so hard i could barley see.
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April 8, 2013 at 3:14 pm #438722
MrsPaws
Well, alrighty then…
Just wanted you to know, thanks to your ‘toot’ story, I now have to start back from ground zero with my makeup.
I mean…all my mascara has run down my face…it’s waterproof! :to funny:
kinda looks like an old photo of a certain female tv evangelist from yester years…
whew…but i gotta say, that’s one of the funniest things i’ve read in a while. yes, even better than the bread brick to use as a weapon…
btw, i’ve had a similar experience with the gas pains, but i was lucky.i, (meaning he), escaped before i let go…omg…what an experience. :-d
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April 8, 2013 at 3:30 pm #438724
bethaliz6894
please put a disclaimer in your post…no eating, no drinking, and have an empty bladder while reading the following…
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April 10, 2013 at 3:37 pm #438835
MrsPaws
@bethaliz6894 285412 wrote:
please put a disclaimer in your post…no eating, no drinking, and have an empty bladder while reading the following…
thank the good almighty i had already emptied the bladder before i read this.
my only damages was the ruined makeup and being late due to said ruined makeup and total re-haul. lol -
April 18, 2013 at 12:54 pm #439107
Melissa Burnell
OMG, that is the funniest damn thing I ever read and thank the gods for plastic wallyworld bags because I appear to have a leaking bladder!
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January 3, 2014 at 2:13 am #447676
bethaliz6894
I still have to come and read this every once and a while. It is the best read when you are down and out.
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February 6, 2014 at 6:25 pm #450058
44mozart
I bet it’s not just your boobs, but rather your sense of humor he loved too!!
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February 11, 2014 at 9:43 pm #450802
Vampixen
omg lol..i was reading this out loud..my old man and i burst out laughing..i had to stop reading a few times..cause i was laughing so hard..lol thanks for sharing
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February 17, 2014 at 12:44 pm #451069
dmbauerle
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June 20, 2014 at 12:07 am #454414
jadenhart
Being in the golden “seventies” flaulence accompanies you almost every day, meal, standing up, especially going upstairs. My grandauthers ( all six! of them) have learned to take the good and the bad with Gran.
They are always warned to not be downwind, and that is the way it is. One recently remarked, “at least she doesn’t have any teeth that come out!”
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July 12, 2014 at 5:58 pm #455947
Tammy9804
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April 27, 2020 at 6:51 am #584653
budmike
fart is a fact of life
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