- This topic has 25 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated August 29, 2007 at 12:44 am by .
- August 29, 2007 at 12:44 am #253305
I suspect the problems with your marriage go deeper than the finances. Forgive me if I'm wrong. However, I was married to a man for 20+ years who, like your husband, would yell and complain about the bills (although he was out spending while I was home having stress attacks).
I found the times we'd set aside to discuss our finances was excruciating and sometimes would not lay the whole thing out just because I couldn't take the verbal abuse. I ended up divorcing him 7 years ago and it's been interesting watching him manage his own finances. The first thing he did was rented a decked out apartment, leased a new car, and was living the high life.
We were self-employed for all our married life (he still is). Any time I talk to him, he's always whining about money, how he doesn't have health insurance (at least we had that while I was in control of the money. He can never afford it now having been diagnosed with diabetes after I took out the policy.
But now, no one will touch him.) He has no retirement and lives from one sale to the next. I suspect he's learned how to reel in his finances by now. But during our marriage, the only thing he took responsibility for was to berate me for not handling the finances properly.
We even filed Chapter 11 once (and paid it off, mainly because I worked 18 hour days for 4 years). Most of the debt was from foolish business decisions (his), around $100,
As for me, I'm still in debt, mainly because I took myself back to college and became an RN and took out loans to support my son and myself during the time I went to school for 3 years. I am now earning more money per year than I ever did when in business with him. The government has paid off a portion of my student loans because I'm in one of those “crisis” professions.
I'm now able to pay the utilities, put food on the table and have a “new” (1994) car, was able to give my son my old car (1990 pick-up with 75,000 miles) am putting my son through college, saving to re-roof my house AND I'm paying off back taxes accrued during our marriage. I also have a dinky retirement account. I have a golden health insurance program for myself and my son, along with a $75,000 life insurance policy (something we had to abandon during our marriage due to our financial situation).
I'm remodeling my home slowly but surely and life is good…..I don't need to borrow anymore, but live on what I make. I work 8 hour days, 5 days a week, have paid vacation days as well as paid sick time.
So I guess my message to you is to not take total responsibility or accept abusive (verbal or otherwise) behavior from your husband over finances. Like me, you're not as dumb as you might think. In hindsight, I can see that giving him reins over the finances probably wouldn't have worked.
He's just a complainer and probably would've landed us in a worse state than we already were. I had to chuckle in a recent conversation with him when he was being very contrite, telling me how he's grown since our divorce and he said, “I can see that I was at fault, and I don't blame you for anything….well, I do blame you for some things…like how you handled money.” Some things never change.
Not suggesting that you divorce your husband, but take a look at the situation and be real about what's happening. Perhaps marriage counseling along with financial counseling would be a good first step.
Best of luck,
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