- September 15, 2013 at 1:15 pm #322767
I have a question, I have a teen son who I suspect has started having sexual relations with his longtime girlfriend.
I’ve been thinking about taking her aside and having a conversation with her about it. I realize it’s not just the girls responsibility for Birth control, etc. and I highly doubt that the old “abstain, don’t do it” talk will ever do anything.
He, of course, denies that there is anything going on, but I don’t believe him for a second. She won’t even look me in the face anymore when she comes over.
I haven’t said much to either of them as of yet, but I would like to have your input and hear what you think or how you would handle the situation.
- September 16, 2013 at 2:41 am #443777
Hi Diane, I am a brand new member, but have been parenting for almost 32 years, have made it through 3 teenagers (2 girls 1 boy) and still have a 13 year to finish up with. As a parent, I was very open minded about sex and my kids, I divorced when my eldest daughter was just hitting her teens and puberty. I somehow had the sense NOT to mix any light-or-absent feeling non-relationship men that came into my life and exited pretty quickly, so that was a huge relief to them, not having to look at my sexuality in the face.
What struck me so hard, was that all three of my daughters (age 31, 28, and 13) were very open with me about sex, my eldest even called me from college when she was contemplating her decision to have sex, with “the one”…. just to give you an idea of how open and comfortable i tried to help them feel. however, my son (203 almost 23) has NEVER been comfortable with so much as seeing a movie with a sex scene with me (mom) in his presence.
He is in his 2’nd long term relationship, which he withheld my meeting of the girls more due to distance and his being busy at college and his job. He is respectful, easy going, but does not want to talk about anything to do with sex…. and the few things i caught him in as a teen (once a porn site in the history of the computer’s internet, sigh) he completely and absolutely denied that he had visited the site, making up these fairytale gremlins who had taken over the computer.
i guess my point in describing all that is to share completely in understanding of the inability to have any discussion with your son about sex, and thus your thought of going to the girlfriend. you indicate that you are not at all close with this girl (she won’t look at you when she comes over) – has it always been that way? is there any interest you share with her that you could build on to work up to the conversation?
i did not have the chance to meet my son’s first girlfriend, i had to move for a couple years upon becoming disabled in order to survive, so i never had the chance or thought of speaking to the girl friend, and i think if handled carefully, very carefully, could be an awesome thing. thinking about it, if i were in your shoes now, i would find a short time when she and i could be alone, and i would tell her that i do not know whether she and my son are being sexually active – and that you are not asking her now! leaving them their privacy on the matter is a form of trust that will pay off, and i am assuming you wish to keep the kids from an unwanted or too early pregnancy or any other dangers that exist when one becomes sexually active…..
so, my thoughts are that i leave the door completely open regarding if they are having sex (without saying i think they are or could be, just completely leave that open and not question any thing with her, your purpose is just to let her know you are there) and then i would offer any help in making decisions for birth control or any other issues they may have regarding problems that may come up from if they do become sexually active, that you would like her to know that she can easily come to you without being questioned to death for help on any issue, and then keep that promise!!
don’t force her to admit if they are/are not having sex, letting her know that you will be open to providing help if she is trying to figure out say, what to do about birth control, and that the offer of help will still be there after she gets over probably freaking out that you brought up the subject in the first place. both getting and then keeping that line of communication and offer of help is the best i think you can ask for here? good luck, hope i wasn’t too repetitive~
- September 16, 2013 at 1:04 pm #443790
Tina, thank you so much for your advice. My son was supposed to go with me when I went to pick up his gf yesterday morn but he overslept, so I decided to pick her up without him. I made small talk with her for a little bit and then told her that I wanted to ask her a personal question that she was in no way required to answer.
i asked her if she was on birth control and she replied that she was. i told her that i suspected they’d taken their relationship to the next level and that my son had flat out denied it. she told me matter of fact that they sure had and that they were being careful.
we talked about her relationship with her family (her parents in particular) and i told her that while we don’t condone their choice, we don’t condemn them for it either and just want them to be careful and responsible so that no one gets hurt or ends up with more responsibility than they can handle. she told me that she and my son had discussed things at length and she told him that he should just come tell me the truth, not try to hide it. i was surprised that the conversation was as easy flowing as it was and she didn’t seem the least bit put off by it.
for the first time ever ever ever the lady looked me in the eye at the dinner table. i think she was actually relieved not to be hiding things from us. my husband is not overly happy with the situation, but i remember from high school all the kids that had sex where ever and whenever they could, in the bathrooms, under the bleachers during school hours, in the parking lot in a car with tinted windows, etc etc.
this parenting thing is just not easy, no matter how you look at it!
- September 17, 2013 at 11:27 am #443817
Wow, that could’ve turned out badly, but I’m glad she was honest with you and willing to discuss it. Some kids are very sneaky about things. It is a hard situation to be sure!
- January 10, 2014 at 10:49 am #448152
I do agree with you on the issue “Teens & Sex” the best way to handle is an open talk. More important to make him/her getting evolve in the conversation.
- May 14, 2015 at 4:32 pm #461280
As hard as it is, it’s best to talk face to face & openly to them. I wasn’t able to speak to my parents about anything & learned almost everything on my own the hard way. I’ve always talked to my kids about everything whether or not they’re comfortable with it & they know now that they can come to me with anything & won’t judge them but will give them advice from my heart.
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