- This topic has 33 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated February 27, 2009 at 5:12 pm by .
- January 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm #269217
Ok, I’m a little bit more than irritated but since this is a “family” orientated site, I need to keep it clean. 😛
First, a little background. I’m a confirmed shopacholic. Thanks to my shopping habits, I have a lot of stuff. My husband and I also have a lot of debt to the tune of over $80,000 and that’s WITHOUT a house. We’re military and living in base housing so we do not have a mortgage and don’t really have to worry about utility costs except internet, cable, and phone. When we started looking for a house, we realized that we could not afford a house and all the extra bills that come with. So, we decided to start saving money, paying down bills, and changing our ways. Mainly, my ways.
I started planning menus since another one of my problems is spending too much money on groceries. I used to charge groceries on a credit card even though we had more than enough at home already. I’m limiting my time and trips to ANY stores and the credit cards stay at home. DH and I sat down looked at all our credit card bills and have come to an agreement and plan on how we are going to pay them off, pay them down, which ones to keep, which ones to close, etc. I take my lunch to work and no more trips to Starbucks. We’ve cut down on eating out, even fast food trips for “just an order of fries”. We’ve decided that we are eliminating canned cat food since our cats have dry food down 24/7 and they eat that without a problem. We’re keeping our dog on canned food though because she won’t eat her dry food by itself.
Here’s the problem…I have a friend that I discuss almost EVERYTHING with. Yesterday, we got a large check from DH’s family that we can invest in any way we want. We can even spend it if we choose. DH and I have discussed it and we’ve decided that it’s not really going to do much as far as eliminating debt so we’re going to put it into a money market account or CD. When we deposited the check into our checking account (just a safe haven until we decide exactly how to invest it), we found out that $100 would be available immediately. Of course, my first instinct was to spend that $100 since we’re pretty much broke. I’ve been making sandwiches for my lunch with stale bread and we had no snacks in the house. DH and I decided to go to Wal-Mart to get some bread and some snacks. I told my friend about it and she just laid into me about my money habits and did I really need to go to Wal-Mart to get bread and on and on and on. I picked up this CD at Wal-Mart too and when I mentioned it to her, it got even worse. I admit that I really didn’t need the CD. It’s a workout CD that I got to download to my iPod. Oh, have I got another story about the iPod. I “accidentally” donated my iPod when I dontated one of my backpacks to Goodwill. I had left it in one of the pockets. When I mentioned that I was looking at replacing the iPod and how much it was going to cost, she laid into me again. To get the iPod shuffle, the earbuds I like to use, and the armband needed (ok, wanted) to use it at the gym would cost around $130 and that’s with getting TWO iPod shuffles, the armband, and the earbuds.
Now that I’ve ranted on and on….I’m just irritated with her right now. I’m a 38 year old grown woman who has made mistakes in the past with money and credit cards. She’s 25 and thinks she knows it all. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s very difficult for me to change my ways overnight. She’s been telling me that I need to change the animals food (they are eating somewhat of an expensive food), cut down on our cable pkg. (we get a deal through our cable provider and if we eliminate the pkg, we would still be paying roughly the same amount of money), and so much unwanted advice on how to cut down on spending money. But yet, they went out and bought a new vehicle earlier in the week. Did they need one? Yes. One of their cars had to have the transmission replaced and supposedly it was cheaper to buy a new vehicle instead of getting the transmission replaced. Instead of buying a more economical vehicle, they bought an $18,000 vehicle with a monthly payment of over $600! I think it’s somewhat unfair and wrong that she’s preaching to me about my spending habits when they go out and buy this vehicle. It’s not the fact that they bought a vehicle (it’s their money) but it feels that I’m being treated as a child. I know she’s just trying to help, and she has in the past when it comes to my shopping addiction, but enough is enough. If I want spend money on a freaking iPod (it does help make exercising funnier) or a loaf of fresh bread and some snacks, I should be able to without getting the 3rd degree from her.
Any advice on how to deal with her? Should I just stop talking to her about money matters?
- January 10, 2009 at 7:34 pm #409205
Sounds to me like you answered your own question.
- January 10, 2009 at 7:35 pm #409206
You do have a right to be irritated, but remember you stated you are a confirmed “shopaholic”. Just with any addiction people have set backs. The fact that you found out you could immediately use $100 of the money and did go out and spend some of it (you did not state how much of the $100 you did spend) your friend is under the impression that you have had a relapse. What will you do as soon as you have access to the rest of the money? Will it be invested right away or will it stay in your checking for a while? When you do have access to it can you keep yourself from spending any of it?
I am not trying to lecture you like your friend, I am trying to explain from your friends perspective. I have often questioned some friends who complain about having no money for groceries etc, yet seem to have all the money in the world for extravagant vacations. I question them and their reasoning, because I care about them.
Wish you the best of luck with this, you are the only one who can decide what you discuss with your friend.
- January 10, 2009 at 8:38 pm #409216
@mmclean11 100141 wrote:
Any advice on how to deal with her? Should I just stop talking to her about money matters?
I feel a little funny giving you advice – considering that we have never me. I don’t want to overstep my bounds. But since you asked for advice, I’ll throw my two cents in. Do with it what you will. 🙂
As far as how to deal with her, that depends on whether you still want her help with your addiction. If you no longer want her help & it bothers you when she gives it, then I would stop telling her about your money matter. Just don’t tell her about money you receive or how you spend it. As you have already stated, its your money (and your husband’s) to handle. But keep in mind, that if you stop talking with her about money matters, that means ALL money matters. It wouldn’t be fair to her for you to get angry with her for giving you money advice if you are going to complain to her about when you don’t have money. (I’m not saying you are complaining to her because I don’t know. I’m just saying that “in case.”)
- January 10, 2009 at 8:38 pm #409217
The money will be invested as soon as the full amount is available. DH and I discussed leaving it in the checking account cause our credit union has this thing called Extreme checking and we earn around 5% interest once our average daily balance is calculated. BUT because of the temptation to use it if it’s in our checking, we’re going to put it somewhere else with a lower interest rate. We’ll earn less money BUT it’s going to be safe and out of our reach.
We spent about $80 and yes, it’s a bit extreme for a loaf of bread and some snacks. Honestly, I guess what I’m looking for from her is maybe some praise for the changes I am trying to make. Since I’m trying to loose weight, I’m adding more fruits/vegetables to my diet. I HATE cutting/preparing them though. I have sensitive teeth so if I bite into an apple or pear, my teeth hurt. I used to buy precut, prepackaged fruits/vegetables. Last night, I almost bought packages of cut apples and grapes. I had them in my cart but started thinking of how much the item cost. I decided to put them back, buy fresh apples, grapes and lemon juice. I already had baggies at home. I’m going to cut the apples myself and soak them in a lemon juice/water mixture to keep them from browning. Clean the grapes, combine the apple slices and grapes together, then package them. I buy fresh brocolli and cauliflower and prepare them myself instead of buying prepackaged, precut veggies.
I really do appreciate the advice, MOST of the time, but it would be nice to get some praise for the changes I do make even if they’re not big changes.
- January 10, 2009 at 8:56 pm #409219
@mmclean11 100165 wrote:
Honestly, I guess what I’m looking for from her is maybe some praise for the changes I am trying to make.
This is a very valid point! I think you’re absolutely right. You know what, if I was your friend I would want you to come to me & tell me how you feel. Maybe she is so focused on trying to help you that she hasn’t realized that part of helping someone is also encouraging them when they do something right. Maybe you should tell her about your feelings & that you appreciate when she helps you with your addiction (even though its hard to hear sometimes) but that you also need her to encourage you. Sometimes a little praise goes a long way. 🙂
And good for you for changing what you buy at the grocery store! There’s nothing wrong with a little convenience sometimes (like when your having a party, or working long hours, or not feeling well). Sometimes its worth the extra money to get the cut up veggies & fruit, etc. But its wonderful that you’re buying the fresh veggies & cutting them yourself! That can save you quite a bit of money! And don’t get discouraged! Changes don’t happen all at once, but it sounds like you are moving in the right direction! 🙂
- January 10, 2009 at 11:57 pm #409237
Congratulations on the changes you have made. Not everyone can do that.
- January 11, 2009 at 6:57 am #409246
Think about all the things you have as cash money stapled to the floor and you can’t pick it up and put in wallet.
Ask yourself how much of what I already have did I need? NEED vs WANT very hard concept to understand and really ‘get’. We can always figure a way to justify anything, we want. (*chocolate or stuff)
How much are you using? How much is duplicates or extras? If you aren’t using what you bought can you sell it? Even if its pennies on the dollar at a yard sale, its still cash coming in. Especially if you aren’t using it. If you have 5 black purses do you really need them all? Sell some, if they are nice you can try ebay, etsy whatever. If you sell DO NOT SPEND THE MONEY – this is not extra money – its money you already spent, it needs to go on the cc.
MM: “”we decided to start saving money, paying down bills, and changing our ways. Mainly, my ways.””
Use the commisary or the PX small store for the bread – stay away from box stores.
In reality going to WM is not a good idea for bread or anything else. They hire psych and everyone else to learn HOW to get the customers money. There’s a reason why things are where they are at, its for impulse buying. Just like any other addiction (spending money can be an addiction) you gotta stay away from temptation.
Leave the check book and the c/c home, carry cash only. In extreme cases carry ID & Lisc nothing else, if you run in for bread have a $5 in your pocket only.
BTW menu planning is one of the BEST ways to start to save some money. You know what’s for dinner so it gets pulled and the excuse nothing is defrosted is null and void.
Use your crockpot. This way food is done, even if you are late coming home or it was a rotten day. Having meals on schedule usually means you will have left overs, left overs means lunches.
Instead of thinking of “I hate having to cook etc” think of it as “I saved $10-15-20 tonight”
Pull out the c/c bills which one has the least amount on it? Thats your start. Pay extra each month (even if its only $20-take that left over $20 and put it on the cc)
Check out your pantry, whats in there that you haven’t used? not crazy about etc? use this stuff up and get it out.
Go through the recipes here (mos, rtbalt have some great ones), use the internet for FREE diet plans. Even if you can’t make everything on plan right away you can plan for next month.
MM: “”we found out that $100 would be available immediately.””
$100 may not sound like much, but its an extra $100 on a c/c payment (the one you owe the least on). Add to the exsisting payment
You would not believe how much those things on cc are going to cost you. When we got Michael (first adoption, but ended up being the second oldest) he was 1 month before 11 yo. He had NOTHING literally, I am talking even his shoes,underwear and socks didn’t fit. We were also in military. So I took the cc to buy clothes (Feb) had to get winter stuff (maine) and school clothes, even play clothes, sneaks for home, school and gym, snow pants, coats, hats, mittens etc .. I managed to get winter and a few months later his summer stuff for $2000 total. I never added another thing to that cc. I paid the minimum every month. When he graduated from highschool I was STILL paying on it !! I finally paid it off, almost 10 years later, I hate to think what those mittens, hats etc really cost me.
MM: “”We’ve cut down on eating out, even fast food trips for “just an order of fries””
so how much are you STILL spending for food outside? Everything total?
I know when Bert would come home and tell me “oh I don’t feel like that” “oh at work they ordered in & I had that yesterday” etc I’d get ticked and order out, in fact for years it got to the point that I was so mad that when he’d get home I’d order out because it seemed he never wanted what I had cooked. We are talking the local mom/pop restaurant not highclass, 3 times a week minimum so $60 a week for that.
There was a time when I had 38 appts a week with the kids (3 littles) – try even 30 trips X $3.
Dropping the restaurants entirely for a month (including fastfood, coffee, ice tea) WOW huge amount of money all of a sudden.
Today I haul a large insulated cup with me everywhere it saves me $2.03 every time I don’t have buy an Ice Tea at Wendy’s because I have it with me.
I sure wish I had all that money we spent at the restaurant for all those years.
MM: “”my first instinct was to spend that $100 since we’re pretty much broke.””
“”We spent about $80 and yes, it’s a bit extreme for a loaf of bread and some snacks.””
“”I’m a confirmed shopacholic. Thanks to my shopping habits, I have a lot of stuff.””
“”I also have a lot of debt to the tune of over $80,000 and that’s WITHOUT a house.””
“”I admit that I really didn’t need the CD.””
But you bought the CD any way. You need to figure out the differance between want & need. And learn to stick to it.
Do you have a George Forman grill? or even a pancake griddle? or large fry pan? Take a little oil paint on one side of stale bread sprinkle on some seasoning lay down on heat, add sandwich fixings put on top also with a bit of oil. The sandwich will brown like a panini, cheese will melt etc etc.
MM: “”I “accidentally” donated my iPod when I dontated one of my backpacks to Goodwill.””
“”I was looking at replacing the iPod and how much it was going to cost, she laid into me again. To get the iPod shuffle, the earbuds I like to use, and the armband needed (ok, wanted) to use it at the gym would cost around $130 and that’s with getting TWO iPod shuffles, the armband, and the earbuds.””
Did you contact them to let them know – sometimes they can find it and return it
WANT or NEED? you can exercise without it. Reality is you CAN’T afford an Ipod, you owe $80,000 in c/c etc without a house
You know as a mom I’d tell my kids tough honey – no more ipods till YOU can afford to buy a replacement. CASH after paying bills
GYM? is it one you have to pay to go to? How much? Can you get out of contract? etc Yes you want to loose weight – you also want to loose debt. Check on base some have gym programs cheap to free. Most bases have a rec area, use it for walking its exercise and free.
In some areas hospitals or rec depts have an exercise course for free.
Check with local freecycle for exercise equipement – FREE
MM: “”I’m a 38 year old grown woman who has made mistakes in the past with money and credit cards.””
“” used to charge groceries on a credit card even though we had more than enough at home already.””
“”eliminating canned cat food “”
I think its this list that they have talked about making changes in spending money – that if you talk about changing to MYO laundry soap but still continue to spend money somewhere else, that essentially its saving pennies and blowing dollars ..
The cat food is NOT the problem, its the other stuff. For example how many cans of cat food could you have bought for the cost of the CD?
MM: “”$18,000 vehicle with a monthly payment of over $600!””
“”I think it’s somewhat unfair and wrong that she’s preaching to me about my spending habits when they go out and buy this vehicle.””
18 grand for a car is not a bad price – $600 payments means they either are doubling payments or cut the amount of time for the loan so they won’t be paying as much interest.
Sometimes making sure you have a car before you get out makes sense money wise. If its paid for (short loan time) then its one less thing to worry about when looking for a job etc.
If you are planning your money you may be thinking ahead what do you want to do in 2-3 yrs Buy a house? Have a baby be at home? etc etc all reasons for higher payment so car gets paid off early
chances are if the tranny is going, so are other big ticket items coming down the road.
Do they owe $80,000? …
- January 11, 2009 at 10:58 am #409258
My 2 cents….
Stop telling your friend your business and maybe she won’t feel like she needs to give you her advice. When I tell a friend personal business, it is usually because I am either looking for confirmation or advice. Sometimes the advice might not be exactly what you were hoping or looking for, but none the less, it is advice. Which means, you can either take it or leave it. I wouldn’t get upset with her. If you don’t want to hear her critical comments, don’t give her any information that she can criticize.
That being said, I advise you read Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. I just read it a couple of months ago and already my family is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel in our financial situation. He gives you 7 manageable baby steps to follow to get yourself out of debt for life. Try it, it can’t hurt.
- January 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm #409277
i own that book. I think thats the one at least. One of our office guys bought it as our wedding gift. Some of the ideas are sound but its targeted toward people in a much higher money bracket than us. That makes some of his steps unrealistic for us. If we tried to put back the type of money he suggests nothing would get paid off. Even if I wait till after it would take so long. literally years.
I agree with the previous posts. When you tell your friend you invite her criticism. Most likely she just wants to help.
- January 11, 2009 at 10:23 pm #409382
I don’t think anyone can change their life drastically without some set backs orsome rewards along the way.
- January 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm #409383
My two cents.
I have a friend(who’s my best friend in the world ironically*) who will do NOTHING but complain about how I need to change this and that. And when I do change those things she finds new things to say I should change. Some people just need something to pick at.
Your friend probably is trying to help but isn’t realizing how inferior she’s making you feel to her. Maybe sit her down after a few days ( to calm down*) and tell her how she’s making you feel. It does help usually.
- January 11, 2009 at 11:25 pm #409395
Unfortunately there are a lot of Americans who have no choice about making a change, because they have lost their jobs, or been severely downsized.
Unless for some weird reason the military does another RIF (reduction in force) which I don’t see happening or his time is up, he has a job.
Regardless, the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it did. This means that spending what you don’t have and putting it on cc is going to make you sink faster.
Taking so called extra money to buy ‘treats’ like a CD, etc should happen after you have reached a goal on savings.
Trying to pay down one card with extra,then when it’s paid off you take that amount plus reg payment for the next lowest amount. Eventually get you out of debt, not easy but it can be done.
She wants to buy a house – she is in debt 80,000 .. It won’t work .. So she has to get the bills under control.
- January 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm #409399
Well congrats on your accomplishments. Its sounds like you have really passed alot of hurdles considering where you started. Now since you asked…I believe that the key word there is FRIENDSHIP. If you two were close enough to share such important matters then then I believe that your friendship can with-stand a conversation where you discuss with her your concerns. Explain to her what is bothering you and that in this time YOU NEED HER SUPPORT. She should be there for you through the ups and downs – through the tears and joys!! Or you can just say “heck” with it and stop speaking to her about things you dont want to get nagged about later or stop talking to her all together. Its up to you. I hope it all goes well. Keep up the good work, it doesnt happen over night – but I have faith in you!!
Lynn in Virginia
- January 12, 2009 at 10:14 am #409406
Yep, you answered your own questions. But if you want to retain her as a good friend, and I’m only assuming here that she is… simply say to her, look.. I love you dearly, you are one of my dearest friends, and I do appreciate all the advice in the past, but I think I can handle it from here. Then… Don’t tell her about ANYTHING that you don’t want her to shove back in your face. Afterall, she only knows what you tell her. I personally believe that financial matters, as well as, marital matters, serious family matters, should not be discussed among friends. That should be reserved for your spouse only. But now.. this is just MY personal opinion, and you know what they say about opinions….LOL. I hope you can resolve this, I know that it can be the quickest way to dissolve a friendship, so be careful and ( not like me sometimes) be tactful. Hoping for the best for you.
- January 13, 2009 at 12:12 am #409599
Warning: Tough Love Thoughts
Have you considered that your friend is trying to be a good friend by pointing out your flawed approach to your problem?
It sounds as though you are almost panicked in your determination to pay off your bills, but you don’t have a sound methodology. You may need to sit down with a professional to create a sound plan of action.
More than anything, it sounds as if your offended at the fact that she is pointing out your inconsistent behavior. How is it that an amount of money isn’t sufficient to throw at debt, but is okay to throw away on a CD? There are tons of free alternatives online, and you need to channel your formidable shopping abilities to trimming expenses and reducing expenses (but not depriving yourself completely–create a cash allowance for yourself).
- January 13, 2009 at 11:27 am #409642
I completely agree .. Ria
@moorenm 100714 wrote:
Warning: Tough Love Thoughts
More than anything, it sounds as if your offended at the fact that she is pointing out your inconsistent behavior. How is it that an amount of money isn’t sufficient to throw at debt, but is okay to throw away on a cd? there are tons of free alternatives online, and you need to channel your formidable shopping abilities to trimming expenses and reducing expenses (but not depriving yourself completely–create a cash allowance for yourself).
- January 13, 2009 at 9:51 pm #409740Quote:more than anything, it sounds as if your offended at the fact that she is pointing out your inconsistent behavior. how is it that an amount of money isn’t sufficient to throw at debt, but is okay to throw away on a cd? there are tons of free alternatives online, and you need to channel your formidable shopping abilities to trimming expenses and reducing expenses (but not depriving yourself completely–create a cash allowance for yourself).
ok, this is what i need from her for the most part. instead of ridiculing me for wanting something, give me an idea on how to get what i want but yet still pay off debt. it’s already been said but my behavior is not going to change overnight.
i’ve tried controlling my spending by just not going anywhere but then i have a bad day and what do i go out and do? i spend money that i don’t have! i have considered the idea of an allowance and i’m really thinking that that’s exactly what i’m going to do.
that way if i want a cd or the ipod, i save the allowance.Quote:it sounds as though you are almost panicked in your determination to pay off your bills, but you don’t have a sound methodology. you may need to sit down with a professional to create a sound plan of action.
panicked? i think scared is more the right term. i’m scared of change, changing my behavior.
but then again, it’s real scary being so far in debt. i think dh and i have a pretty good plan in place for paying down bills. it’s just hard to inititate and act on that plan.
i’ve been a certain way for so long and now i know i have to change or it’s just going to get worse. i plan on making a budget in the near future but i want to wait and see what an “average” paycheck is going to be from my job (i just started my job and haven’t gotten my 1st paycheck yet) and DH’s part time job. I also want to start keeping better track of where our money is going as well.
- January 13, 2009 at 10:20 pm #409751
Instead of waiting til you get your first paycheck make up the budget using his military paycheck. This is the only garanteed paycheck at this time.
What happens if your job falls through? Or he ends up in school and has to leave for a bit? The economy sucks right now, who knows what will happen with jobs.
The money from the extra job he had to take and the one you are doing, needs to go on the cc as extra payments.
Open up a checking acct at local credit union, put your allowance of $25 a week into an automatic deposit. I know that sounds small but the bills are so high that you really need to get them down.
When you get your credit cards, which one has the lowest balance? Pay extra on it, then when it’s paid off take the original payment and the extra and put towards the next bill – it will really start to move after a while ..
think about what you are saving for .. in the long run spending money will not make you feel better. think how you feel now – this is because of the weight of the bills.
the high you get from buying something is temporary and doesn’t last long, in fact like most addictions you need more and more.
pulled from another post:
write down a goal – what do you want? if it’s something that can be broken down into small pieces then write them down
learn want vs need;
its the hardest thing to learn. learn to wait. write down on mini notebook the thing you saw you have to have – store, item and cost. wait in fact wait at least a week, now do you really need it or want it?
if it’s truely a need then check around is it something you can rent? borrow? make?
no? then check around locally (phone) & online for the cheapest price check.
we have the tv playing daily telling us we need xyz.
we have a rough day and tell ourselves, i deserve this candybar, new shirt etc etc.
our favorite shirt gets a mark, so i should get another one ’cause they are on sale – no no look in the closet pull out one you have. wait
make a list/chart at the beginning of the month of expenses .. i set one up with 15 columns.
date| bill | amount|1| 2| 3| 4| 5| 6| 7| 8| 9| 10| 11| 12|
As the bills come in you can figure out when they will be due (approx).
note: i called and got just about everyone on payment plan – so its the same each month
walk outside and check the cars, when are the inspection stickers up, the tags? write this on the last day or the prev month (calendar) and on the first day of the month its due (calendar).
do you pay insurance, taxes, or something else once a year or maybe twice a year and have a big bill? put it on the calendar the month it’s due and also put it on the calendar at the beginning of each month a porportion of the bill as a reminder.. save $— towards car ins in june ..
btw you can prepay house taxes etc even if its small amounts
personally i love donna young’s month on a page with space for writing .. if you print out a years worth you can toss in the car stuff, right away. i am going to use the bill area to keep a running total for food and put it into the master bill chart (see above) at end of month.
here’s her 1/2 page for day runners:
Household – Half-Sized Planners Ruled
Here’s her full page for notebooks:
Household – Full-Sized Planners – Month on a Page
- January 13, 2009 at 10:30 pm #409753
Reflecting on your first comment: you do need to keep in mind that “getting what I want” is what caused this debt to begin with. (I am speaking from experience, too.) You need to accept the fact that you cannot maintain your current expectations. Simply put, your money is already obligated to your “wants” from yesterday–that’s the awful aspect of debt.
It sounds like you understand this intellectually, but are defying the idea emotionally. Your “I want it now” mentality is sabotaging you, and you need to use your fear to combat this reluctance to change.
If I may be so bold as to offer advice, sit down with a professional. Get guidance on how to tackle your debt and create a budget (including an allowance–if you can afford it), and then start researching online free events in your community. (You’ll be amazed at how frequently you can distract yourself from shopping if you have interesting new things to do.) Finally, start heavily researching on coupon techniques, free samples/stuff, and financial advice on sites like Budget101.com – complete resource for digging yourself out of debt,
These should put you on the right track, giving you additional confidence and direction, as well as alleviating the fear. Not only that, but your pursuit and accomplishment of these things will provide your friend with proof of intensity of your determination–she will have an opportunity to offer you positive support.
One final thought, you might investigate whether your employer or your husband’s offers any kind of free or low-cost support for addictions–many, many do. You may have deep-rooted issues that would best be addressed by another professional.
- January 13, 2009 at 10:51 pm #409755
We’re military also. I’m 54 & paid a lot of stupid tax over the years! My dh & i had an understanding: we could have all the friends we wanted but we never discussed finances or our sex life’s with anyone period!
it served me well all these years and was a point we never had fights over. being military check with your base! almost every us military base offers dave ramsey’s financial peace university course and some like my husbands requires you to go through it.
even if they charge you the full $99 take it! One of the first thing he’ll tell you is put $1000 in the bank for emergencies and don’t touch it unless it really is an emergency! Friends are great but you shouldn’t tell them everything!
- January 14, 2009 at 1:07 am #409776Quote:when you get your credit cards, which one has the lowest balance? pay extra on it, then when it’s paid off take the original payment and the extra and put towards the next bill – it will really start to move after a while
that’s one thing we are doing. i know some people say pay the cc with the highest interest rate but we need to start with the lower balances or i really feel that if we don’t get those smaller ones paid off, we’re gonna give up. we’re also paying one set amount for 2 other cc that have high balances each and every month despite the minimum due.
The bad thing with using DH’s military pay to make the budget is that it’s not enough. With the paycheck on the 1st, we’re $128 short on making the car payment. The 15th is a lot better but I still don’t think we would make it through the month.
Couldn’t hurt to try though. I’ve never, obviously, tried to make a budget with just the military pay to see if we would make it through the month.
One of the first thing he’ll tell you is put $1000 in the bank for emergencies and don’t touch it unless it really is an emergency!
we have that thanks to dh’s parents. dh wants to invest it though since it would be a lot safer than us, especially me, having access to it. i need to check into dave ramsey’s financial peace university.
the base might have some type of financial planning as well. i know dh and i went to one guy when we were stationed in italy, got behind on some bills, but he said we were doing fine with paying bills. uhhhh, obviously we weren’t since we couldn’t pay our bills but we managed to get somewhat back on track.
- January 14, 2009 at 2:12 am #409781
Is there a chance of transfering the balance of the card with the higher interest rate to one of the credit cards with the lower interest rate? At least that way while you are paying down the lower amounts you aren’t getting hit with the extra interest which basically moves you nowhere as far as a better financial shape. This would be because you are paying the lower one and getting extra interest on the higher one so you are basically still oweing the same or more.
- January 14, 2009 at 6:43 am #409801
You said you are 38, so I assume he is close in age & if he joined like most in early 20’s he will be up for retirement pretty soon.
So getting that 80,000 down means peace and less stress for that transistion.
When we got out we had some cc debt, luckily Bert got a great job. However for the first 6 months he literally pulled mandatory 18 hrs or more days 7 days a week for 6 weeks at a time (luckiliy he was still young). I socked the money into the bills and got the cc down and done.
Only recently (20+ years later) are the cc back up and its the one he uses – grr.
Try to think of everything you buy as what it costs hourly to get it. Once you get a paycheck his or yours, divide out the hours into the total bring home amount – this is what you are getting per hour after taxes etc. So how many hours does it take to pay for the Ipod, the restaurant, new shirt, CDs etc.
Is it worth working that much for the item?
I did this with the kids, hey if you want a $300 bike it takes Dad this many extra hours to pay for it vs this bike at $100. My one dd *(mental health issues) didn’t give a crap but the other kids did think about it, ’cause Bert did spend time with them and that was generally worth more than ‘stuff’
If you get too stressed about money it tends to affect the marriage – is the item worth that? If he has to work 2 jobs to pay off the cc, will you see each other? This is another reason to take your paycheck and put towards the cc so it moves down faster.
- January 14, 2009 at 8:29 pm #409928Quote:one final thought, you might investigate whether your employer or your husband’s offers any kind of free or low-cost support for addictions–many, many do. you may have deep-rooted issues that would best be addressed by another professional.
i already see a counselor. sometimes we work on the shopping addiction and it’s come a long way but with any addiction, i think i still have a long way to go.
i have to visit those websites you mentioned. i use budget101.com a lot and have found it very helpful so I’m hoping the other websites mentioned will have more that I haven’t seen here.
- January 14, 2009 at 8:45 pm #409935
If you get too stressed about money it tends to affect the marriage – is the item worth that? If he has to work 2 jobs to pay off the cc, will you see each other? This is another reason to take your paycheck and put towards the cc so it moves down faster.
yeah, i’ve noticed that it is affecting the marriage. dh is already pretty thrifty and he’s no where near as bad as me with spending. bad thing is that he just doesn’t want to discuss the money issue so i’ve taken on the responsiblity of making the financial decisions by myself.
i’m deciding where the “extra” money goes as far as bills. if i bring it up to him, he just goes off about how he doesn’t want to deal with it. oh well.
on the subject of dh’s other job, he wouldn’t quit that for the world. i’ve told him that we woud manage without that 2nd paycheck but he really enjoys it. He’s a security guard and he says that it’s his way to relieve stress from the military.
He had to take about 4 months off from the security job due to military obligations and he went nuts! I don’t get it but if he enjoys it and wants to continue to do it, I can’t really stop him.
- January 14, 2009 at 9:05 pm #409940
If you tell your friend your financial situation you basically gave her an invitation to “lecture” you when she thinks that you are not making a smart financial move. It would be like knowing your friend admits to being an alcholic and them wanting praise for only drinking a 6 pack when they use to drink a case. If you know you are a shopaholic then you need to stay away from your temptation.
I use to approve loans for a living (I was the V.P. at a Credit Union in MA) and if I saw someone with $80K in debt there is no way that I would be approving a loan for anything. I do agree that you should be proud of the steps that you have taken, as small steps lead to bigger steps though you need not justify yourself as to why you bought those items or took the trip to W-Mart.
By trying justify your reasoning it sounds more like you are trying to convince yourself that you needed those things even if you know that you are working on paying off debt.
As for your friend….a good friend will always be honest even if it is not what you want to hear. Sounds like you have a good friend and I wouldn’t be so quick to get rid of her. It is the friends that tell you it is alright you spent that money that enable you.
Go check out the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey- it is a great book and can work if you use his methods which are not hard at all.
I do want to say KUDOS to you for making all these changes- it is never easy but it will be well worth it in the end. 🙂
- January 14, 2009 at 9:30 pm #409945
@mmclean11 101222 wrote:
Yeah, I’ve noticed that it is affecting the marriage. dh is already pretty thrifty and he’s no where near as bad as me with spending. bad thing is that he just doesn’t want to discuss the money issue so i’ve taken on the responsiblity of making the financial decisions by myself.
i’m deciding where the “extra” money goes as far as bills. if i bring it up to him, he just goes off about how he doesn’t want to deal with it.
he probably doesn’t want to deal with it because (pick the one/s that apply)
a. he’s heard it before – and no longer believes what you are saying
b. tired of listening to the justification for the debt
he’s so pissed off, he can’t talk about it because he would say something that might cause more issues.
d. he’s tried to talk to you before, but you didn’t listen and got more in debt
e. he didn’t cause it and feels it’s your problem
(*i figure i can say this cause same reasons my dh has for my house mess)
- January 16, 2009 at 12:34 pm #410185
sometimes friends say what we really don’t want to hear… but did you listen to it? we go on and on telling them every little detail and look for them to back us up tell us how great we are doing….
but wham they turn around and tell us… Grow up.. they talk to us like we are little kids..
just like mom used to…..did you listen to her? yes it is time to grow up.. is it hard yes sure it is..is it worth it…
oh my yes in so many ways.. money is a hard thing to get a hold of… spending just like eating is easy..
but does it fill the void?? do you get to the point where you say….i’ve had enough…..be real… answer it to yourself you don’t have to answer fast..
think…be truthful……no excues.. honest…not easy is it to look at yourself and have no one else to blame…..what goes on in our lives is our fault…. the good and the bad…..am i perfect?
lmao no do i have debt yes… and here i just quit my job…. am i preaching to you..
yes… just as i am to myself… but unlike you my debt is not from spending on going out..
or buying things but doctors and hospitals… so what are we going to do about this debt??? no more going out..
you don’t have the money for it… the money you are getting from this new job you have.. put it on the debt you have now and pay off the smallest first….
write down everything you have food wise in the house…. that is what you will be eating til it’s gone.. there is a site called supercook: find recipes that use ingredients you have at home not a bad place you tell it what you have on hand it tells you a recipe here is another one cookingbynumbers.com
it does the samething..
they will help you find what to do with the food you have…. don’t buy anything….we both have the same problem just different things got us where we are now…… but blaming it on others or saying so and so is being mean to me cuz she told the truth….pffft…
sometimes the truth hurts… there is also a site for free on how to loose weight.. it shows you everything..
people there will help you any way they can.. recipes for whatever you can think of.. excersizes for any level free diet plans at sparkpeople you have the tools..
now use them people on here gave good advise.. but you aren’t a child no one should have to pat you on the back and tell you if you are doing good or not…..and no one should tell you aww it’s ok go buy this or that you deserve it……you already know you can’t afford it….or you wouldn’t be looking for people to tell you it’s ok….don’t beat yourself up.. but don’t look for pity..
make a list of what has to be done and take the steps to do it…..this post is partly for you…….and partly for me
- January 16, 2009 at 12:49 pm #410186
Thanks secretlover_at for the great recipe sites! Nice reference to have when I forget to thaw something out and in a hurry!
- January 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm #410187
You are so right, and I think as you said, we are all guilty of this at one time or another. Great post, firm, honest, and right to the point.
- February 1, 2009 at 8:58 pm #413434
There is a ton of great advice in this thread. I cannot really add anymore to it.
HSLINKS (Ria) said everything I was going to say, and probably better than I could.
- February 3, 2009 at 7:24 am #413584
It is great that you realize you need to change your spending habits and are trying to do that. It is a hard thing to do and you are going to be perfect.
This is not something you have to do. You are choosing to so you can buy a house in the future and pay off your credit cards. So when you decide not to buy something, that is another step toward your goals.
I think it helps to realize you always have a choice, even if it is a really bad choice vs a good choice it is still a choice.
You have told your friend that you are changing your behavior and working toward new goals. Tell her you need her support and encouragement, not advice or criticism. If she can’t do that, then stop telling her financial stuff.
- February 26, 2009 at 8:57 pm #416107
I really liked this thread; happens to us all in someway, at one time or another. I can’t really add much but to say you may need to have a small talk with your friend and make clear you value her friendship and help very much but what you really need is someone to “vent” to when you are frustrated, not necessarily advice or a lecture on what you should do. This is something I learned at work (Social Services) and managed to forget several times when I talked to my husband at home.
He made me really mad when all I needed was an open ear, not a take-charge tell me what to do. I stopped telling him about my frustrations at work after that because he could not seem to get the concept. Later, I found it it is a male thing.
Let her know you still want her friendship but your money woes are endangering your emotional health so tread carefully. Money can be the largest mental health problem trigger as it has a way of endangering our sense of self and security.
Good luck and know you will get it all in hand soon. You are aware of what you are doing that is expensive and unhealthy and that’s the start.
- February 27, 2009 at 5:12 pm #416236
Wanted to check in and see how you were doing on saving money. I know you recently had health issues with your dog and that would affect cash flow
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