- April 22, 2007 at 3:38 pm #240469BiggerPiggyBankParticipant
I have a suggestion. Before you call Dr. Phil try to (in a very nonthreatening
way) just talk. Go out to a secluded place like a lake or a park or just drive.
It puts you both in a position to let it all out.
Start out by letting him know
what mistakes you have made and apologize for them. This breaks down the walls
of defense and packs a powerful punch that he would have never expected, but be
honest and don’t hold back. Then tell him how you are concerned about him and
you understand that there is a lot of things out there that you wish that you
could have sheltered him from, but because you had to let him grow up you
couldn’t just put him in a bubble and keep him away from danger.
Tell him that
you don’t like fighting and you don’t want him to go to jail. Let him know that
he is obviously smarter than many people and if he would like to put his
intelligence and hard work into a career he could be extremely successful. Let
him know how much you are really hurt and how much
you really love him and give him a choice for a solution.
Tell him that you
are willing to make changes if he will and and set up an agreement. Set ground
rules to communicating and meetings. Give him freedom and respect and tell him
that you will trust him and do not question his every move.
Do, however let him
know that you still are his parent and you have a job to do for the rest of his
life and you intend to do the things that you may have been failing at in the
recent past. Allowing for all-out meetings just like the one you have that day
to be had on a regular basis. Boys turning into men want respect and respect
occurs by letting him talk honestly, without being a wall you can really get to
know your son. Understand you may find things out that you don’t like, but
forget the past and allow this to be a turning point.
The other choice you can
give him is to continue going the way he is going, but that he may end up in the
court system of probation and other things that
will last a considerable amount of time and that he will not receive respect or
keep a good woman by his side. You may have the option to make an agreement
with his father to be the one that seems to play good cop- bad cop in the home,
but the talk MUST be just the two of you outside of the public eye and
distraction free. It is a sales technique to gain the trust of the prospect
when you use your boss as the “bad-cop” who you have to go through to make any
Depending on your living situation that may be able to
help gain trust I don’t know about how effective that would be though. A lot of
parents believe that talking to their chidren about their own mistakes will make
your child disrespect you, but it is quite the opposite. A child will respect a
parent who can empathize with them and who can respect them.
Kids really have
it rough these days and unfortunately they sometimes believe that they are
invincible. Talk to him about your fear of him dying
because of his choices. Ask him point blank questions in a non-threatening
tone of voice and if he rolls his eyes just say as innocently as possible “I am
just trying to find out if I am understanding what your goals are.”
that this does not have any type of sarcastic tone. Also, while you’re talking
to him understand that you to must play fair and both of you can say whatever
you want without fear of reprocussions or the trust will be lost. You will be
absolutely amazed at the power you hold because your flesh and blood will until
the day he dies have in a secret place a part of him that must gain attention
and acceptance from his mother and father. I am not a psychologist just so you
know, but I was actually an observer in a very rough situation with a boy that I
He had been in and out of jail due to problems with his father and
after we met he quickly clung to me because I talked to him about these exact
things. He was adopted as a baby and when his
adoptive parents got divorced neither one really wanted him anymore. I played
mom to him in a very rough point in his life and now he is really different even
though we are not together anymore.
Also, if you believe in God say a prayer
for your ability to control your emotions enough to allow this talk to occur,
ask God to tell you where the best place would be to have the talk, ask for wise
wordsand peaceful resolution. I will also say a prayer for you and your son.
One more thing is laugh and joke during tense moments. You may on that special
day see your baby boy all over again.
Good Luck and God Bless. If you need
anymore advice or if you would like to update me on how things went you can
email me privately or post publicly that is up to you. Thanks and Take care.
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