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      Hmmm….. I have one of those kids. Don’t think I can offer answers as I

      don’t have them all yet….

      Our son (now 14) would get in fights at school constantly – get suspended,

      etc. He gets called names – they pick on him – this was all the story he

      brought home. He came home with a fat lip and we called the school ready to

      go to bat for him, as he said he was beaten and he didn’t do anything.

      Turns out he took a basketball away from some kids and refused to give it

      back. Another time he got beaten up in the locker room – oh – how unfair he

      tells us. Turns out he was calling this group of kids “niggers.” Trouble

      for him is now he has a stepbrother in his same grade who can come home and

      tell the truth about what is going on. (We have other independent sources

      as well, so it is clear that he starts a lot of this.)

      He is adhd, but that is no excuse to go through life in trouble. his social

      skills are low. he gets into people’s personal space, pops off with

      absolutely off the wall questions and can generally drive you nuts.

      therefore, the other kids are not exactly wanting to hang out with him. you

      can tell him the problems he is causing till you are blue in the face and he

      does not change. we are at wits’ end as well.

      he is 14 and bigger than everyone except dad. He goes to counseling and we

      have tried ADHD meds – they all made him worse.

      He ended up threatening me, throwing rocks at his grandma (lives with us and

      is 72), threatening his siblings over various things – the girls are afraid

      of him and I are afraid of him. He took a pocketknife to school and got

      suspended. We ended up placing him with a grandparent who can spend

      full-time just keeping up with him for the time being. I wish I had

      answers. Of course, if we were allowed free rein of parenting, things would

      probably be easier, but his bio mother keeps over-ruling our parenting

      decisions.

      He failed seventh grade because he refused to do his work. He is very

      capable and bright but he absolutely refused to do homework or turn anything

      in. We said “That’s ok – what happens when you don’t do your work is you

      repeat the grade or you pay for summer school.” that was working until his

      bio mom interfered and talked the principal into passing him. in eighth

      grade, he did the same thing. i ended up saying “you are more than welcome

      to come to the family dinner table and have dinner….. after the homework

      is all done neatly and shown to us.” this worked for awhile – he had dinner

      kinda late a couple nights but he always ate and actually did his work for a

      bit, until his bio mom complained that “we were so mean and abusive.”

      he stole all of the family’s snacks (separate from the incident above), so i

      told him that his school lunch money was now going to replace the snacks for

      the rest of the kids and he could either work in the school cafeteria to

      earn his lunch (after i checked with the lunchroom lady), pack a lunch, or

      miss lunch. i was very calm with “i have to feed all of you. it is very

      hard to miss lunch. it is very hard for your siblings to miss after school

      snack too. i just have to balance it all out. i’m sure you will make up

      the money very quickly.” he did make up most of it, and then his siblings

      forgave him the rest of it – which was something i was trying to teach them

      too.

      when he would run away in the store, i would simply announce that i (and the

      car) was leaving in 15 minutes. He had two choices, be in the car or not.

      When he was not at the car, he found that I had left. (He was old enough to

      walk home, so I didn’t worry too terribly). That was the last time he did

      not cooperate in the store. He would get into fights with his sister in the

      car and drive us nuts. So, I pulled over and said that they were probably

      fighting because there was not enough fresh air in the car which was surely

      a problem. I told them that they could solve this by walking home and made

      them get out. I drove off (but came around and stayed just where I could

      see them from the car, but they couldn’t see me) and they walked home (about

      1/2 mile), heads down and quiet the whole way. None of the kids have fought

      in the car since. It only takes once of “Hey – mom means it.”

      I guess my basic philosophy is that I let natural consequences teach the

      kids. When they are upset because of being treated badly, I empathize

      completely and tell them “That is so sad. I heard that you might have

      called xxx kid a looser. I can see why they would call you names because of

      that. But you are smart, so I bet you can think up a way to make it

      better.” Put the problem back on their plate and walk away. If he wants to

      come home from shopping with you, he needs to be with you at the car when

      you leave. If he is not, you leave and the problem of getting home is

      suddenly back on his plate. (Did this with the daughter who refused to be

      on time for her ride after school – the first day she “missed the bus and

      wouldn’t I come pick her up.” I came, handed her a map of how to get home,

      told the school office she had permission to walk home in the future and

      took her home. The next morning she dawdled and “missed the bus” to

      school. I smiled, said “ok – sure good thing you have that map.” she said

      “i threw it away.” i said “gosh – it sure is going to be harder to get to

      school then isn’t it? i hope you make it in time to order lunch” – directed

      her to the front door and walked away. i checked in with her teacher so he

      would tell me when she got there so i could stop worrying and told him that

      this was an unexcused tardy, so if he gave detention that was ok. i was

      told she arrived at school a very subdued young lady and she has never

      missed the bus since – she even drags her little sister out the door on

      time.

      correction is kept to a minimum. the ownership of the problem remains with

      the child. you are there to support him through the troubles that he incurs

      when he treats people badly, when his misses his ride home, when he makes

      poor decisions. empathize and let him know that you make mistakes too and

      he is smart enough to fix his problems. this way, you don’t send negative

      messages about the child’s worth, you build his self-esteem.

      with my son above, some of that worked. but whenever we were over-ridden

      and could not stick to our guns, it didn’t work. and i think the biggest

      lesson he is learning now is that if you are violent to people, whomever

      they are, then you don’t get to be with those people anymore. we still love

      him and tell him this. he tried to pull the “i want to come home and i’m

      really sorry about all this stuff i did.” and dad said “thank you for

      apologizing. that helps us to feel better. i hope you enjoy your summer at

      xxxx.” and the conversation ended there.

      on wed, jul 9, 2008 at 12:22 PM, maria <secretwindow-jd1@sbcglobal.net>

      wrote:

      > lately,I have been writting about how my 10 year old is being bullied

      > and looking for advice and help in this area for him. But today I

      > have gotten a diffrent view on this.

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