- March 14, 2008 at 4:20 pm #256565
BEING FOSTER PARENT FIRST:
I feel that being a foster parent first is great .. many kids
honeymoon for anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months, so you have no real
idea what you are in for ..
These are special kids .. They have numerous issues, you are not
starting from a blank slate. .. Theres enviromental damages (kids
eating lead paint, polluted water, etc) .. physical damages some are
visible some are not (Bonnie was starved so some brain damage is
actually from starvation) .. emotional damages .. Many have been dealt
a lousy hand genetically. My littles come from a line of maternal
alcoholics for 5 generations, that means a HIGH chance that most of
the parents, gp etc are also FAS. I don’t know if the bipolar is
genetic (bio-mom had it) or if its from the FAS.
Prenatal care is sometimes poor, if you count in drugs and alcohol
into the mix its a high risk pregnancy, then add in poor parenting
skills and the kids are in a traumatic situation prenatally & post
Time with them as foster parents gives you the chance to advocate for
specialist and push for therapies ..
Push for therapy from the beginning, regardless of how ‘normal’ they
are behaving they have had a trauma in their life – leaving home (no
matter how terrible) ..
Even with time, you do not have the whole picture .. You generally are
NEVER told all the story about the kids, or the risks .. Having them
as foster kids first gives you and the family a chance ..
It took DHS over 7 years to finally terminate the bio parents of my littles ..
KNOW THE POSSIBILITIES:
The days of adopting a healthy white blue eyed blond baby with no
issues (no offense intended BTW) is long gone .. Go into it with
knowledge .. Most kids are going to be alcohol affected, many are
reactive attachment disorder ..
You will never be told of the future problems, if you are lucky you
will get the medicaid and supplement – trust me you couldn’t afford to
adopt these kids without it ..
Some ins companies will not insure the kids, because its pre-exsisting
documented health issues, some have $1000 caps on mental health
(*Matts normal psych stuff was over $1000 a month over 15 years ago –
never mind what it cost for the psych wards) .. Bonnies surgeries on
ears were $20,000 apiece shes had 3 .. Hearing aids were $900 each
one, shes had 2 sets of 2 **some health issurance does not cover
If you have kids you need to make sure your kids will be safe. Be
aware of whats going on, listen when the kids tell you that so and so
is hurting them (ask HOW & WHEN) .. don’t assume that the hurt is just
the hit you saw in the backyard
Our house was alarmed and still Matt managed to rape Bonnie (*we paid
for it not DHS etc) .. In addition to the numerous times I stepped in
to be a physical barrier between him and the other kids .. I didn’t
realize the sexual abuse was happening
If you know the kid is RAD be aware they can present as sweeties, and
very loving in the beginning .. Some are even clingy .. Can be very
manipulative & triangulate very well ..
onlist (RAD LIST) we have one sib group who burned the house down with
parents, other sibs and pets inside (blocking exits so they couldn’t
get out) they managed to get out through basement window, but the pets
died.. Currently we have one online who is dealing with kid who had
been poisoning her, hes in hospital they are realeasing even though he
says he will do it again .. Matt raped his bio half beacuse he could,
he has no limits to what he will do – BTW he honeymooned at psych
wards sometimes for up to 3 months so they thought we were the problem
.. Lots of physical violence most expressed at mom ..
WHY ARE KIDS IN FOSTER CARE / BIO-PARENTS
I sometimes think that DHS/CPS give way too many chances to the
bio-parents .. I was supposed to teach parents how to dress, clean etc
kids as part of my job .. Why eating italian sandwiches was not good
for a 6 month old? how to cook meals, because they only knew how to
make mac & cheese from a box .. That throwing a tool box at a 13 yr
old head was not the appropriate action, etc etc
Reality is these kids are in foster care for a reason ..
If you as a middle class mom did what some of the bio-moms did they
would pull your kids in a heartbeat, if you are low income, on welfare
they give you chance after chance ..
I have never understood why you would return kids to a home when they
have 18 broken bones, none set BTW …
Another bio-mom said she would quit drinking and they will
occasionally do an alcohol test on her (if she shows for the appt) so
its ok to send the kids back? ..
You know if I swatted a tush in KMart I would have DHS all over me,
but break bones “well they just need help” huh? how about the kids?
Most bio-parents did not bother to visit
I had Bonnie since she was 4 months and Matt was less than 18 months
when I got him .. The bio-mom had visits – she made less than 7 in 7 +
years, the bio-dads none.. Even during that time I could not believe
that I couldn’t fix ‘my kids’ with love & the therapy they had (*NOTE:
this was many years ago no internet, and no therapists dealing with
FAS, RAD etc) ..
SUPPORT SYTEM IN PLACE:
Don’t expect a lot of help from DHS/CPS, most times when you call,
they are gone. You will need to get a good support system, friends
family and internet. Make sure you have a GOOD ped Dr, it makes all
the differance in the world, one that will listen and advocate for you
and your child
Today with the internet and the support groups it different, you can
have support at any time of day or night (someone will be online) ..
There are more and more therapists that are dealing with these issues
FAS & RAD, this can only help .. If the kids can get into care
earlier, get away from the abuse etc, they might heal
Have a back up system for yourself, you will need breaks. Take time
for your marriage this puts a huge stress on it. Be aware this will
affect YOUR health both physical and mental.
WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?
The question comes up on all the special needs lists .. Would you do
it again? If I had all the information I have today on RAD, ODD/CD,
bipolar, sociopathic behaviors etc NO I would have never adopted Matt
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