: FOSTER PARENTING 2

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      On 3/14/08, R NORTH <hslinks@gmail.com> wrote:

      > C: Tho I know bipolar is genetic I supppose FAS could cause it also. But

      > since bio mom has it then that’s likely where it came from.

      >

      > R: Bio-mom was FAS, her mother was probably FAS too .. 5 generations of

      > women all alcoholic having kids .. all low functioning too (FAS is leading

      > cause of MR)

      >

      > C: But, a couple took in a little boy under a year old. They wanted to adopt

      > him but couldn’t because of the above issue. Just after this child turned 6

      > they gave him back to his bio mom who he had ever seen in all that time. Two

      > weeks later he was found stabbed to death, his bio mom killed him cause he

      > was crying. As the story goes he hadn’t had anything to eat for several

      > days. I think at that age I’d be crying too if I hadn’t have any food like

      > that. But of course the worker that allowed that to happen never was fired

      > or changed in his death.

      >

      > R: stories like this abound unfortunately they are true .. Why would anyone

      > with common sense say gee lets wait 5+ years to terminate rights? I have a

      > really tough love idea .. get your shit in one sock and together in 6

      > months, if you aren’t clean and sober, you aren’t working on getting some

      > educational skills, or a job, then you are NOT ready to get that child back

      > , 1 more chance in 3 months then thats it .. 9 months tops then get the kids

      > into a permanent home, one that is safe

      Yes I agree, the whole system needs to be changed so that these kinds

      of things stop. If I ever get done with school that’s one of the

      things I’m going to fight for. I live close to Detroit and IF I can

      get any kind of changes started there hopefully the rest of the state

      will follow and other states will say hey look at that. lol I know I

      dream big but if I can change just one thing…………..

      > I think workers that are pushed by bosses to realease kids back into

      > biohomes before its safe should be able to call up some state judicial

      > agency .. Judges that release these kids when the bioparents have NOT

      > completed parenting classes, etc should be hung up to dry

      >

      > C: Maybe it depends on what state you live in but I thought foster kids

      > would get Medicaid to pay for their medical expenses.

      >

      > R: foster kids get medicaid .. its when you adopt fosties, they push for no

      > medicaid no support at first in many places .. But without it you may not

      > have any insurance depending on what the regs are for your work ..

      >

      > C: Just to be clear here if you don’t mind, what is Matt’s DX and how old

      > was he when this happened?

      >

      > R: Matt had just turned 11 when he raped Bonnie (who was 10, MR) .. He had

      > come out of a psych ward that fall .. the kids were overmedicated, ages

      > 8-18, male & female ward, the nurses desk was off to side so you couldn’t

      > see the rooms, the night shift on Fridays were watching porn .. we pulled

      > him AMA when we walked in on a Sat and one girl was melting on the floor

      > (like the silver guy in the terminator movie), extremely overmedicated .. I

      > found out from Matt they had given him a drug 2 days before that he had a

      > severe reaction to (they never called) … the kids asked to put in a movie

      > staff said fine – it was the porn they had forgotten to take home – gang

      > rape scenes in less than the first 5 mins .. that was it I had had it

      Is this place still there? Looks like it should be shut down or

      something. The peole that work there should be taken to court and

      thrown in jail.

      > I am pretty sure Matt was sexually assaulted at the psych placement .. This

      > however did not give him the right to do it to others

      >

      Right but it might of made him want to do to others what was done to

      him due to all of his issues. Of course he may of raped her anyway. I

      think do to his issues he shouldn’t be out in public but be in a

      hospital or kept in jail, something because he probbly is a sociopath

      but does he understand right from wrong? Due to the FAS he might not.

      Which is why a mental hospital would be a better place.

      The Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) is what my youngest was like

      at one point. But after almost a year in the last placement he was in,

      he had learned to control his temper and learned not to be so fast to

      hit. So he got the help he needed, tho everything wasn’t worked out at

      least that much was.

      > Matt as a child FAS, ADHD, ODD/CD, PTSD, Intermittent explosive disorder,

      > BP, brittle diabetic, some Drs called him a sociopath even that young .. at

      > the time I didn’t know about RAD he is definately a RADster .. while in

      > residentials he sexually attacked at least one other girl, broke window over

      > pregnant womens head etc etc .. very violent

      >

      > he is 23 now, in and out of jail, doing drugs, alcohol, we have a protection

      > order out because he wants to kill us, apparently some charges pending for

      > ‘reg’ sexual assault, some supposedly on minors

      And due to the law being the way it is, he would have to carry it out

      and kill you before the police will take him off the streets. Which is

      sad because you did everything that you knew to do to try and help him

      and give him the tools to lead a normal life.

      > *SIDE NOTE: my DIL mother had been hospitalized there over 35 years ago and

      > same issues then with medications etc

      >

      > C: If parents can’t cook or don’t understand how to feed a infant seems to

      > me like that the baby should be taken and right’s termated right then and

      > there. I also think bio parents should have to be drug tested weekly and if

      > they show + for drugs three different weeks that should end it. And the

      > child never goes back there.

      > >R I have never understood why you would return kids to a home when they

      > have 18 broken bones, none set BTW …

      > Yea that’s a sure sign that that the kids don’t go back. Letting them go

      > back into that is wrong no matter how you look at it.

      > >R Another bio-mom said she would quit drinking and they will occasionally

      > do an alcohol test on her (if she shows for the appt) so

      > > its ok to send the kids back? ..

      > Instead of occasionally it should of been weekly, and if she didn’t show the

      > first time that was the end.

      >

      > R: My littles were bio-babies #4 & 5, I had a worker pissed off because I

      > called all excited because “A” finally sorta touched Matt (it took 45 mins)

      > her response “she’s there to learn parenting – teach her how to make a

      > Peanut butter sandwich” .. hello? she was 20 years old and after 5 kids I

      > am sure she knew how to make a sandwich, she didn’t know how to talk to

      > kids, or pick them up or snuggle or anything like that ..duh?

      >

      She had 5 kids before she was 20? WOW Now I was 20 when I had my first

      one but I knew how to take care of him. He was always held when given

      a bottle, fed baby food etc. Neither one of my kids ever had a diaper

      rash, don’t know if that was just the way it was, or if it was because

      they never stayed in a dirty or wet diaper more than a few min.

      My oldest is named Matt and even with the Asperger’s he can make a

      sandwich without help and has done so for a long time now. He can use

      the microwave to make something tho he’s scared of the stove and isn’t

      interested in learning to cook. Maybe I should of pushed it but I

      didn’t since his attention span is much like a 2-4 yo a lot of the

      time.

      C: Yes I’m sure with my kids (I’m the bio mom) having the internet would of

      > helped me out a lot. See sometimes these kids that have issues like these

      > two aren’t even in foster care but at home with a mom that tried her best to

      > do for them. But when you have one that’s bipolar, that’s got issues that

      > the mom doesn’t know about (youngest was abused by bio dad). I didn’t know

      > at the time it was happening because there was never a mark on him no clue

      > to get my attention and of course from the time he learned to talk til after

      > I left the jerk he was to afraid to speak up and come out and tell me

      >

      > Yes it can affect your health, I never had a break. I’m sure some would say

      > if they were that hard to handle why not give one up or both. No way would I

      > of even thought that and because I’m the safe person so to speak I still and

      > I guess always will get some attacks verbally by the youngest.

      >

      > R: Physcial or sexual abuse on the youngest? regardless it becomes a trust

      > issue .. Bonnie even blamed her younger brother because he didn’t stop it –

      > he didn’t know it was happening either ..

      Physcial and verbal, never sexual thank god. But he blames me and I

      guess he always will. I feel guilty becausae I didn’t see it, I

      should of known about the verbal since I was verbally abused too. I

      just thought it was just me, he was as far as I know ever abusive with

      my oldest which I figure was because he wasn’t the bio dad. If I had

      known then what I know now I would of left him before my youngest DJ

      was even born. Instead I stayed for almost 7 years. I was young and

      had very low self esteem and he had brain washed me into thinking I

      couldn’t do anything without him and that he was the only one that

      would ever love me, etc.

      > if sexual try rape crisis, they are fantastic .. even years after the rape

      > they showed up at a DHS meeting because there was a male worker and Bonnie

      > was scared to death .. I could call when guilt hit (how could I not see it

      > etc etc) ..

      >

      > even with physical abuse it will take time for him to accept good touches

      > (rough housing etc) without having issues

      >

      > Remind the kids “when YOU knew you made sure it stopped” ..

      >

      That’s just it, I left him before I knew about it. Part of the reason

      I stayed so long was because he told me if I ever left he would kill

      me. But when he started bringing his gf into my house and having sex

      with her I got out as soon as I could get enough money to do so. That

      was 6 very long months of hell for me. It’s one thing to be cheated on

      something he did for most of the relationship but bring her into my

      house that’s lower than low. We left when DJ was 6 and he was 8 when

      I found out about it.

      > Expect some flashbacks, when they are younger preliterate sometimes stuff

      > comes out years later .. apparently “A” pushed Matt down the stairs before I

      > got him, it came out one day when we were snuggling in chair .. sometimes

      > their memory is in very disjointed jumbled picture format

      >

      > Some kids become RAD after trauma .. Is he acting out at this time? The RAD

      > list I am on had been a life saver, I wish I had had it from the beginning

      >

      > Do you need a BP support list? I can check for one ..

      >

      I would love to have a BP support list. He’s very anti social doesn’t

      like being out in public at all for any reason. He doesn’t really act

      out any more, but I do wonder if the anti social issues may be due to

      having RAD. I don’t know really anything about it but he kept ending

      up in juvie cause he would cut classes in part to smoke weed but

      partly too cause he didn’t like school which I think school was boring

      and he never felt comfortable with so many people around him. Now he’s

      got a GED and goes to college online that way there’s no classes with

      people to deal with. He won’t get a job and I think that he’s lazy

      partly. But I also think it’s this anti social issue that’s the

      problem too.

      > Ria

      > HSLINKS@aol.com

      >

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