- August 13, 2007 at 3:05 pm #242204
Re: Budget101.com : Re: Daughter in a abusive relationship-long reply
Just be there for your daughter when she needs you. She WILL need you sometime in the future, may be quite a ways down the road. My son was a social worker and worked at a domestic abuse shelter for several years.
Research has shown it takes about 7 times for a woman to leave an abuser before it finally is for good. Some take less, but that is the average. And you know why my son went into this field?
Because he grew up in an abusive home where I was too afraid to take my children and leave. I had no one to turn to. No family and my dh made sure I knew he didn’t like any people I tried to be friends with.
Also we were military, so I was always in a new strange area. I made a pact with myself that I would endure whatever neccessary to keep me and my kids together, with a roof over our heads and food to eat. I had 5 kids so could not afford daycare either, and had no job skills to fall back on.
The isolation is all a part of the mental abuse. Your daughter sounds like she already has a fragile self esteem, and abuser-type personalities have a sixth sense to hone in on women like that. She’s probably still in the phase that she believes she can change him if she just loves and cares for him enough, and all he needs is that special person to love and support him.
You can’t say anything that will change her mind. If you try to force her or constantly point out how wrong he is for her, she’ll just shut you out of her life totally. Each person has to come to awareness of a bad relationship in their own time.
But it will be great for her to know she has people that care, and doesn’t berate her, and tell her “I told you so” that will be waiting when she is ready. And when she says or does things that seem resentful to you, try to hold your tongue and realize this is coming from an emotional and controlled/confused person. It’s not that she deliberately sets out to hurt you.
Inside, she is in great pain. It’s possible she believes it will hurt you more if she lets you in, cause then you will see her in the messed up place she is and no one wants their family to think of them as weak and scared. i know the pain you must be feeling as a parent seeing this happening to your child.
but we can’t live their life for them. it’s just not possible. if you need to, go to counseling for yourself to help you deal with the feeling of helplessness in the situation or at least have someone you can talk to about this and get some release.
you might call a domestic abuse shelter and ask for some literature/brocheres to read. it will give you some idea what stage your daughter is in and give you a heads up to know where help is, if/when she’s ready. this is not easy and i have no magic answer for you.
i just wanted you to know that sometimes we have to let things go and pray for god to handle it in the best way. that is a hard lesson to learn, believe me, i struggle with that all the time. please know you’re not alone and there are lots of folks who understand and will be praying for you and your family.
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