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  1. #1
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    Doh Disorders of the Amercian Courts

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American
    Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
    word for word, taken down and now published by court
    reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.
    _______________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    __________________________________________________ __________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
    impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
    memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
    to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
    next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
    how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
    taken ?
    WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
    August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you sh***in' me? Your Honor, I think I
    need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _________________________________ _______________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
    pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
    attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ___________________ _____________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
    people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What

    school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the
    body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
    I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ________________________________________________

    -- And the best for last: ---


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
    alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
    jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
    alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
    alive and practicing law.

    Have a wonderful Day

    Jac

  2. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Jac For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    Budget101 Guru
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    Default Re: Disorders of the Amercian Courts

    This is just too funny! But unforunately those attorneys are out there.

  4. #3
    Budget101 Done Digging
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    Default Re: Disorders of the Amercian Courts

    JoAnn - I know lots of attorneys. I CAN NOT wait to share this with all of them!!! As you said, the last one is the best one. Thank you so much for this post. I laugh every time I think about them.

  5. #4
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    Default Re: Disorders of the Amercian Courts

    Those were hilarious!!! I was crying I laughed so hard. Thanks

 

 

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