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  1. #1
    M F
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us. From the beginning of her relation ship she has spent 99% of her time with this guy who is 6 yrs older than her. From what I can see he is not physically abusive but emotionally. We have tried to talk to her and him and explain that it is not a healthy relationship if they have to be together non stop. The few times she has gone away with us he called her often and they fought. She has been sleeping at home till last week. Since then she has snuk into the house 2 times to get her
    stuff. Saturday at church she was there. She doesn't have a vehicle and we don't know who she is staying with and how she got to church or work, she clames she is not staying at his place and I do believe her. She comes home 1/2 hr before she goes to bed, makes her lunch, gets her work cloths ready and is in her room with the door shut. She was supose to get married las May and 3 weeks before the wedding he decided that he didn't agree with her relegon and the wedding was off. She is still engaged to the jerk and is with him nonstop. We can see that she is not happy with her life, but because of her shy reserved personality she is not moving anywhere with her plans. He has such a control over her that is sad to see her having to spend her life with this person. I don't want to make this any longer of a story but there are so many issues with him and us now that it is scary. He doesn't and never
    drank, smoked or anything like that, has a vary high IQ and few friends if any.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa


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  2. #2
    sandi overstreet
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship



    Hm, that is a hard one indeed. I have been in relationships like that and sometimes what other people say will click but most likely it didn't at least not with me. The best thing, in my opinion, is to show your daughter that you love her and no matter what she chooses to do or be with that you will always love her(and mean it) If she knows that you are in her corner, when the relationship gets really bad she will turn to you. Whereas if you are constantly criticizing her choice of men, and this man in general, it is only going to give the guy more "gas to fuel the fire" . He could constantly use the "Your parents, don't like me anyway. Why do you want to be around someone that doesn't like me, etc etc" line. Be nice, polite and attempt to act like you like him at least.
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  3. #3
    Kim LUCAS
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    That is a very difficult situation. I was in a similar situation, except I was

    older. All you can do is pray and be there for her. Just be supportive. At 22

    years old, she really has to make up her own mind to get out. However, the more

    family and friends push to get her out of the situation, the more it will push

    her into it. Just be the loving mom she knows you to be.






  4. #4
    armstrca
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Don't try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won't just give her $$$).
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Don't make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don't like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn't make her happy and isn't there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don't word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.







    From: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<SPAN class="312360417-13082007">
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa



  5. #5
    Gail Moncivais
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    Melissa I am praying for your daughter. I am not sure there is anything you can do. He seems to be a control freak and has a hold over her that will take more than just her family to break. Since she is a quite and reserved she is keeping all the emotional abuse to her self. The one thing you can do is be there for her when the dam breaks and she has had enough. Don't try and break it off it can only make things worse. Just be there for her and just let you know you love her and respect her. I know you first instinct is to protect your children but there are some things they have to do on there own. No matter how hard you try to break them up his emotional abuse makes her feel guilty about leaving him and he has control for know. Just love her and support her and above all don't interfer. I would suggest you talk to counselors at the local
    women's shelter they may be able to steer you in the right direction. Gail North East PA.



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  6. #6
    Herlean
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    Since she is 22 years old, and legally an adult, I don't see that you can do much. If she is being abused, you can report it to the police. They will investigate, no matter what her age. But, she will have to speak up when they inquire. Herlean

    M F <milicaf35@yahoo.com> wrote: <DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt;FONT-FAMILY: times new roman, new york, times, serif;"> Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us. From the beginning of her relation ship she has spent 99% of her time with this guy
    who is 6 yrs older than her. From what I can see he is not physically abusive but emotionally. We have tried to talk to her and him and explain that it is not a healthy relationship if they have to be together non stop. The few times she has gone away with us he called her often and they fought. She has been sleeping at home till last week. Since then she has snuk into the house 2 times to get her stuff. Saturday at church she was there. She doesn't have a vehicle and we don't know who she is staying with and how she got to church or work, she clames she is not staying at his place and I do believe her. She comes home 1/2 hr before she goes to bed, makes her lunch, gets her work cloths ready and is in her room with the door shut. She was supose to get married las May and 3 weeks before the wedding he decided that he didn't agree with her relegon and the wedding was off. She is still engaged to the jerk and is with
    him nonstop. We can see that she is not happy with her life, but because of her shy reserved personality she is not moving anywhere with her plans. He has such a control over her that is sad to see her having to spend her life with this person. I don't want to make this any longer of a story but there are so many issues with him and us now that it is scary. He doesn't and never drank, smoked or anything like that, has a vary high IQ and few friends if any.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa

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  7. #7
    Idodc@aol.com
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship



    Leave her a note on her bed telling her that you love her very much, you trust her to be adult enough to make good decisions with her life and that allyou want is for her to be happy and to be treated well, and that you are there for her if she needs you...and then mom...MYOB... (mine your own business) It is hard, but she is an adult, she must be allowed to make her own decisions, and her own mistakes.....so long as you sit back, keep your mouth shut about him and let her know that you are there, love her and support her, you must trust her to make the right final decision...but if you try to butt in, say things about him etc..you push her right to him.... good luck.... being a parent is so very hard!!
    alana


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  8. #8
    Bron Gibson
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship

    That is such great and loving advice! I was in an abusive relationship years ago and when I came to my senses, I begged my parents to let me come home. Their answer was: "You made your bed, now lie in it." I have never felt the same way about them, or what I once considered &#39;home&#39;, since that time. I did get out of the abusive (physical as well as emotional) relationship, but it was very, very hard.


    I&#39;ve vowed that if my own daughter is ever in such a relationship, I *will* be there for her. And she knows it.



    On 8/13/07, armstrca[/b] <carmstr1@ems.jsc.nasa.gov> wrote:








    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won&#39;t just give her $$$).
    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don&#39;t like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn&#39;t make her happy and isn&#39;t there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.

    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don&#39;t word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.




    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left">
    <hr>

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">From: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://u...w">ups.com</a> [mailto:<a href="/group/Budget101_/post?postID=r169smDwSTOtpLdQcWTBYmfZMqnnya1SpVURO6 0R3R5_OE74hsairbd5E45Krs0A" target="_blank">
    Budget101_</a>@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://ups.com/" target="_blank">
    ups.com</a>
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080" size="3">

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">
    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa







 

 
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