Daughter in a abusive relationship- Women's Issues

Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us. From the beginning of her relation ship

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  1. #1
    M F
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us. From the beginning of her relation ship she has spent 99% of her time with this guy who is 6 yrs older than her. From what I can see he is not physically abusive but emotionally. We have tried to talk to her and him and explain that it is not a healthy relationship if they have to be together non stop. The few times she has gone away with us he called her often and they fought. She has been sleeping at home till last week. Since then she has snuk into the house 2 times to get her
    stuff. Saturday at church she was there. She doesn't have a vehicle and we don't know who she is staying with and how she got to church or work, she clames she is not staying at his place and I do believe her. She comes home 1/2 hr before she goes to bed, makes her lunch, gets her work cloths ready and is in her room with the door shut. She was supose to get married las May and 3 weeks before the wedding he decided that he didn't agree with her relegon and the wedding was off. She is still engaged to the jerk and is with him nonstop. We can see that she is not happy with her life, but because of her shy reserved personality she is not moving anywhere with her plans. He has such a control over her that is sad to see her having to spend her life with this person. I don't want to make this any longer of a story but there are so many issues with him and us now that it is scary. He doesn't and never
    drank, smoked or anything like that, has a vary high IQ and few friends if any.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa


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  2. #2
    sandi overstreet
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship




    Hm, that is a hard one indeed. I have been in relationships like that and sometimes what other people say will click but most likely it didn't at least not with me. The best thing, in my opinion, is to show your daughter that you love her and no matter what she chooses to do or be with that you will always love her(and mean it) If she knows that you are in her corner, when the relationship gets really bad she will turn to you. Whereas if you are constantly criticizing her choice of men, and this man in general, it is only going to give the guy more "gas to fuel the fire" . He could constantly use the "Your parents, don't like me anyway. Why do you want to be around someone that doesn't like me, etc etc" line. Be nice, polite and attempt to act like you like him at least.
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  3. #3
    Kim LUCAS
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    That is a very difficult situation. I was in a similar situation, except I was

    older. All you can do is pray and be there for her. Just be supportive. At 22

    years old, she really has to make up her own mind to get out. However, the more

    family and friends push to get her out of the situation, the more it will push

    her into it. Just be the loving mom she knows you to be.






  4. #4
    armstrca
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Don't try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won't just give her $$$).
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Don't make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don't like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn't make her happy and isn't there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don't word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.







    From: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<SPAN class="312360417-13082007">
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">
    <SPAN class="312360417-13082007">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa



  5. #5
    Gail Moncivais
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    Melissa I am praying for your daughter. I am not sure there is anything you can do. He seems to be a control freak and has a hold over her that will take more than just her family to break. Since she is a quite and reserved she is keeping all the emotional abuse to her self. The one thing you can do is be there for her when the dam breaks and she has had enough. Don't try and break it off it can only make things worse. Just be there for her and just let you know you love her and respect her. I know you first instinct is to protect your children but there are some things they have to do on there own. No matter how hard you try to break them up his emotional abuse makes her feel guilty about leaving him and he has control for know. Just love her and support her and above all don't interfer. I would suggest you talk to counselors at the local
    women's shelter they may be able to steer you in the right direction. Gail North East PA.



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  6. #6
    Herlean
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    Since she is 22 years old, and legally an adult, I don't see that you can do much. If she is being abused, you can report it to the police. They will investigate, no matter what her age. But, she will have to speak up when they inquire. Herlean

    M F <milicaf35@yahoo.com> wrote: <DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt;FONT-FAMILY: times new roman, new york, times, serif;"> Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us. From the beginning of her relation ship she has spent 99% of her time with this guy
    who is 6 yrs older than her. From what I can see he is not physically abusive but emotionally. We have tried to talk to her and him and explain that it is not a healthy relationship if they have to be together non stop. The few times she has gone away with us he called her often and they fought. She has been sleeping at home till last week. Since then she has snuk into the house 2 times to get her stuff. Saturday at church she was there. She doesn't have a vehicle and we don't know who she is staying with and how she got to church or work, she clames she is not staying at his place and I do believe her. She comes home 1/2 hr before she goes to bed, makes her lunch, gets her work cloths ready and is in her room with the door shut. She was supose to get married las May and 3 weeks before the wedding he decided that he didn't agree with her relegon and the wedding was off. She is still engaged to the jerk and is with
    him nonstop. We can see that she is not happy with her life, but because of her shy reserved personality she is not moving anywhere with her plans. He has such a control over her that is sad to see her having to spend her life with this person. I don't want to make this any longer of a story but there are so many issues with him and us now that it is scary. He doesn't and never drank, smoked or anything like that, has a vary high IQ and few friends if any.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa

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  7. #7
    Idodc@aol.com
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship




    Leave her a note on her bed telling her that you love her very much, you trust her to be adult enough to make good decisions with her life and that allyou want is for her to be happy and to be treated well, and that you are there for her if she needs you...and then mom...MYOB... (mine your own business) It is hard, but she is an adult, she must be allowed to make her own decisions, and her own mistakes.....so long as you sit back, keep your mouth shut about him and let her know that you are there, love her and support her, you must trust her to make the right final decision...but if you try to butt in, say things about him etc..you push her right to him.... good luck.... being a parent is so very hard!!
    alana


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  8. #8
    Bron Gibson
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    That is such great and loving advice! I was in an abusive relationship years ago and when I came to my senses, I begged my parents to let me come home. Their answer was: "You made your bed, now lie in it." I have never felt the same way about them, or what I once considered &#39;home&#39;, since that time. I did get out of the abusive (physical as well as emotional) relationship, but it was very, very hard.


    I&#39;ve vowed that if my own daughter is ever in such a relationship, I *will* be there for her. And she knows it.



    On 8/13/07, armstrca[/b] <carmstr1@ems.jsc.nasa.gov> wrote:








    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won&#39;t just give her $$$).
    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don&#39;t like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn&#39;t make her happy and isn&#39;t there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.

    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don&#39;t word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.




    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left">
    <hr>

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">From: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://u...w">ups.com</a> [mailto:<a href="/group/Budget101_/post?postID=r169smDwSTOtpLdQcWTBYmfZMqnnya1SpVURO6 0R3R5_OE74hsairbd5E45Krs0A" target="_blank">
    Budget101_</a>@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://ups.com/" target="_blank">
    ups.com</a>
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080" size="3">

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">
    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa







  9. #9
    M F
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    It is so hard to be there for her when she is resentful to us. I bet you that he is the one who told her how bad we are and to stay away from us.

    melissa

    ----- Original Message ----
    From: armstrca <carmstr1@ems.jsc.nasa.gov>
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 12:11:20 PM
    Subject: Budget101.com : Re: Daughter in a abusive relationship

    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font color="#008080" face="Comic Sans MS"><span class="312360417-13082007">Don't try anything. Just
    let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won't just give her $$$). <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font color="#008080" face="Comic Sans MS"><span class="312360417-13082007">Don't make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don't like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn't make her happy and isn't there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is. <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font color="#008080" face="Comic Sans MS"><span class="312360417-13082007">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don't word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.


    <div class="OutlookMessageHeader" dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"> <hr tabindex="-1"> <div class="OutlookMessageHeader" dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">From: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<span class="312360417-13082007"><font color="#008080" face="Comic Sans MS" size="3"> <div class="OutlookMessageHeader" dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><font face="Tahoma" size="2"><span class="312360417-13082007"> <div class="OutlookMessageHeader" dir="ltr" align="left" lang="en-us"><font face="Tahoma" size="2"><span class="312360417-13082007"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for
    over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa <span style="color:



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  10. #10
    D Meyer
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship



    I agree She will have to realize this on her own and in her own time. Make sure to invite him and her to family events even though you can&#39;t stand him. I was once a the daughter in this situation. The more you verbalize to her that u don&#39;t like him the more she will pull away. The biggest Thing to do is pray!!!
    If there is someone else besides this man that she trust like a pastor , or friend
    maybe just see if they willask her if things are going ok because she seems a little frazzled / stressed but just let the person you are asking to do this for you know that you don&#39;t want to know what she says but just give her a trusted person to talk to and provide a sound board to. I know it will be hard to not ask, but as long as she is talking to someone at least you will know that there is some ideas or advice being heard and she may accept it since it&#39;s not from u. Good Luck and I will pray for you both! Danielle


    On 8/13/07, armstrca[/b] <carmstr1@ems.jsc.nasa.gov> wrote:








    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won&#39;t just give her $$$).
    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Don&#39;t make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don&#39;t like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn&#39;t make her happy and isn&#39;t there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.

    <div dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080">Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don&#39;t word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.




    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left">
    <hr>

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">From: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://u...w">ups.com</a> [mailto:<a href="/group/Budget101_/post?postID=2guFE8k65QN7Sx9wMslnHX2V2vBih3FlL4gNpH waQdxmSv0eSyjK5XF5gZzeg21W4p4" target="_blank">
    Budget101_</a>@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://ups.com/" target="_blank">
    ups.com</a>
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<font face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080" size="3">

    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2">
    <div lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><font face="Tahoma" size="2"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3">Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa







  11. #11
    Kristin Keller
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    Hi Melissa, I can tell you from experience, she believes she either can't do any better, or that she deserves to be treated this way. Prayer was the only thing that got me out. Just let her know she has somewhere to run to when she is ready to go. A lot of times it is a sudden spur of the moment thought, and if she has somewhere to go, it may be easier for her to go. Also, be prepared, have the number for your local Center Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. They offer free counseling and a lot of times those who have been abused won't talk to family about it. hth, Kristin





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  12. #12
    Rachel Councell
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship



    <DIV dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN class="534564903-14082007"><FONT face="Verdana" color="#800000" size="4">Wow that is hard. My mom wouldn't let me just move home on a whim once I left but if I were in danger physically or mentally she would have opened the door.
    <DIV dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN class="534564903-14082007"><FONT face="Verdana" color="#800000" size="4">
    <DIV dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN class="534564903-14082007"><FONT face="Verdana" color="#800000" size="4">She just didn't want it to be one of those "life's hard I want mommy" situations, which you clearly weren't in. I think it's wonderful that you broke free and started anew.



    Charles & Rachel Councell
    Independent Managers 335428
    www.realvanilla.com
    866-508-3474

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    From: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Bron Gibson
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 4:30 PM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: Re: Budget101.com : Re: Daughter in a abusive relationship







    That is such great and loving advice! I was in an abusive relationship years ago and when I came to my senses, I begged my parents to let me come home. Their answer was: "You made your bed, now lie in it." I have never felt the same way about them, or what I once considered 'home', since that time. I did get out of the abusive (physical as well as emotional) relationship, but it was very, very hard.

    I've vowed that if my own daughter is ever in such a relationship, I *will* be there for her. And she knows it.



    <SPAN class="gmail_quote">On 8/13/07, <B class="gmail_sendername">armstrca[/B] <carmstr1@ems.jsc.nasa.gov> wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE class="gmail_quote" style="BORDER-LEFT: #ccc 1px solid;">
    <DIV style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff;">






    <SPAN>Don't try anything. Just let her go. But make sure she is aware you are there should she need anything (other then financial help - like you won't just give her $$$).
    <SPAN>Don't make her feel like she has to sneak around to see him or belittle anything about him. Just tell her you accept the fact she is an adult. You don't like him (not for the real reason) because he doesn't make her happy and isn't there for her. Remind her a relationship is 50/50 and subtly ask her where his 50% is.
    <SPAN>Just be able to be there when she falls. (but don't word it like that) Remind her you are there for anything she needs.




    <DIV lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left">


    <DIV lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left">From: Budget101_@yahoogro<a href="http://u...w">ups.com</a> [mailto: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 10:06 AM
    To: [email]Budget101_@yahoogro ups.com
    Subject: Budget101.com : Daughter in a abusive relationship<SPAN><FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color="#008080" size="3">
    <DIV lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN>
    <DIV lang="en-us" dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN>Our almost 22 yr old daughter has been in an abusive relationship for over a year. We are a vary close family and she has drifted away emotionally and physically. It is tearing our family apart. We have tried to communicate with her and she is avoiding us.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we reach our child and bring her back into our family life again.

    Melissa





    white;" width="1">







  13. #13
    Ann James
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    You need to do something before it's too late. Tell

    her about other people that didn't get their chance

    too leave before it was too late. If there are

    children involved she needs to leave. I have seen kids

    suffer from depression and other social problems

    because of an abusive living arrangement. She does not

    need to be a statistic. God bless.

    --- Idodc@aol.com wrote:



    > Leave her a note on her bed telling her that you

    > love her very much, you

    > trust her to be adult enough to make good decisions

    > with her life and that

    > allyou want is for her to be happy and to be treated

    > well, and that you are there

    > for her if she needs you...and then mom...MYOB...

    > (mine your own business)

    > It is hard, but she is an adult, she must be

    > allowed to make her own

    > decisions, and her own mistakes.....so long as you

    > sit back, keep your mouth shut

    > about him and let her know that you are there, love

    > her and support her, you

    > must trust her to make the right final

    > decision...but if you try to butt in,

    > say things about him etc..you push her right to

    > him.... good luck.... being

    > a parent is so very hard!!

    > alana

    >

    >

    >

    > ************************************** Get a sneak

    > peek of the all-new AOL at

    > http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour

    >









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  14. #14
    armstrca
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    <DIV dir="ltr" align="left"><SPAN class="781591613-14082007">So be it. Just remind her you will be there always for her - whatever she needs (just not monetary as long as she is with an abusive guy... but don't tell her that). It is really hard (esp to keep your mouth shut about someone you don't like <grin>) I have seen lots of great advice here, esp about inviting them both to do things with your family. Keep negative things about him to yourself - it will push her away.







    From: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com [mailto:Budget101_@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of M F
    Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 5:09 PM
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Subject: Re: Budget101.com : Re: Daughter in a abusive relationship<SPAN class="781591613-14082007">
    <SPAN class="781591613-14082007">
    <FONT face="times new roman" size="3">It is so hard to be there for her when she is resentful to us. I bet you that he is the one who told her how bad we are and to stay away from us.

    melissa



  15. #15
    Casey
    Guest

    Default Daughter in a abusive relationship


    Just be there for your daughter when she needs you. SheWILL need you sometime in the future, may be quite a ways down the road. My son was a social worker and worked at a domestic abuse shelter for several years. Research has shown it takes about 7 times for a woman to leave an abuser before it finally is for good. Some take less, but that is the average. And you know why my son went into this field? Because he grew up in an abusive home where I was too afraid to take my children and leave. I had no one to turn to. No family and my dh made sure I knew he didn't like any people I tried to be friends with. Also we were military, so I was always in a new strange area. I made a pact with myself that I would endure whatever neccessary to keep me and my kids together, with a roof over our heads and food to eat. I had 5 kids so could not afford daycare either, and had no job skills to fall back on.
    The isolation is all a part of the mental abuse. Your daughter sounds like she already has a fragile self esteem, and abuser-type personalities have a sixth sense to hone in on women like that. She's probably still in the phase that she believes she can change him if she just loves and cares for him enough, and all he needs is that special person to love and support him. You can't say anything that will change her mind.If you try to force her or constantly point out how wrong he is for her, she'll just shut you out of her life totally. Each person has to come to awareness of a bad relationship in their own time. But it will be great for her to know she has people that care, and doesn't berate her, and tell her "I told you so" that will be waiting when she is ready.And when she says or does things that seem resentful to you, try to hold your tongue and realize this iscoming froman emotional and
    controlled/confused person. It's not that she deliberately sets out to hurt you. Inside, she is in great pain. It's possible she believes it will hurt you more if she lets you in, cause then you will SEEher in the messed up place she is and no one wants their family to think of them as weak andscared. I know the pain you must be feeling as a parent seeing this happening to your child. But we can't live their LIFE for them. It's just not possible. If you need to, go to counseling for yourself to help you deal with the feeling of helplessness in the situation or at least have someone you can talk to about this and get some release.You might call a domestic abuse shelter and ask for some literature/brocheres to read.It willgive you some idea what stage your daughter is in and give you a heads up to know where help is, if/when she's ready. This is not easy and I have no magic answer
    for you. I just wanted you to know that sometimes we have to let things go and pray for God to handle it in the best way. That is a hard lesson to learn, believe me,I struggle with that all the time. Please know you're not alone and there are lots of folks who understand and will be praying for you and your family. Casey


 

 
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