Im Having trouble with my teen!- Kids / Children

My daughter is 16 and she has runaway once,I was wondering if there are any good parenting books for this age out there?? dont know what to do anymore,or what to say and have been walking on eggshells here,she is my first born and my first teen! I need some help!!

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  1. #1
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    Default Im Having trouble with my teen!


    My daughter is 16 and she has runaway once,I was wondering if there
    are any good parenting books for this age out there?? dont know
    what to do anymore,or what to say and have been walking on eggshells

    here,she is my first born and my first teen! I need some help!!
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  2. #2
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    As a mother of 5 sons ages 19 to 27 years, I've been thru the teenage turmoils more than I care to remember. My oldest two boys didn't give us any problems. The middle two almost drove me crazy. Thank goodness, the youngest was like the older ones.
    First thing I would tell from experience, you MUST operate from a position of authority. Don't be timid or afraid of "upsetting" her if she is defying the rules. Call social services and ask if they have a counseling program you could attend. Go to this even if your daughter won't. At least you know you're not alone and will get support from others that have been there, done that. Next, call the local police dept and ask what options you have pertaining to teen curfews and any info relating to teen problems they might offer. When you get this information, let your daughter know and let her know you will call the authorities if the need arises. It is the most painful thing in the world to do this, I know. But if you let her go and she keeps running away and defying you, you're only setting yourself and her up for major trouble down the road. You are doing this for your daughter so she will have a future. As far as books go, head to your library and you'll find an abundance of info on the troubling teen years. There might even be several parent groups locally that you can contact for help and support. Also, if her school has a good guidance counselor, talk to them. Maybe they could help her at school and keep an eye out for any problems you need to know about. But you have to let them know, because they have so many kids enrolled, they might miss one that really needs the help. And be sure all her teachers make you aware if she misses any classes. You have to make a cohesive team for yourself in this. When your daughter sees there are no loopholes in your plan, she will have to follow the rules or face consequences. Don't be drawn into heated arguments or shouting matches with her. Just state the way it's going to be and stick to it. She will come to realize you are doing all of this because you love her and care about her. Lastly, I would suggest if you could find a hobby or just take a daily walk together and have time to connect and start to talk that will help tremendously. Your daughter will respond when she knows what to expect with certainty. Gosh, I could go on and on, but I just wanted you to know you both will survive and get thru this. It just takes a lot of hard work and consistency. If you want or need to talk you can email me off list. I wish the best for you and your family.
    Casey
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  3. #3
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    I also have a troubled teen. My son is 17. Will not run away, but he is in
    trouble
    and hanging out with older people, into drugs. I cannot find any service to
    help me. I can
    go to the court and have him declared "incorrigable", then throw him out of the
    house. As mad as I am at him, I can't do that. He is stealing from me and
    lying. I have him in
    counseling, but that hasn't helped yet. I hope this brings some good responses.
    thank you
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  4. #4
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    The hardest thing I did at this age was to put my son into a bootcamp
    type program. It was a 6 week program and was run just like
    bootcamp. It did cost quite a bit of money but in the long run I

    think it was a great option. Kim
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  5. #5
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    I have a suggestion. Before you call Dr. Phil try to (in a very nonthreatening
    way) just talk. Go out to a secluded place like a lake or a park or just drive.
    It puts you both in a position to let it all out. Start out by letting him know
    what mistakes you have made and apologize for them. This breaks down the walls
    of defense and packs a powerful punch that he would have never expected, but be
    honest and don't hold back. Then tell him how you are concerned about him and
    you understand that there is a lot of things out there that you wish that you
    could have sheltered him from, but because you had to let him grow up you
    couldn't just put him in a bubble and keep him away from danger. Tell him that
    you don't like fighting and you don't want him to go to jail. Let him know that
    he is obviously smarter than many people and if he would like to put his
    intelligence and hard work into a career he could be extremely successful. Let
    him know how much you are really hurt and how much
    you really love him and give him a choice for a solution. Tell him that you
    are willing to make changes if he will and and set up an agreement. Set ground
    rules to communicating and meetings. Give him freedom and respect and tell him
    that you will trust him and do not question his every move. Do, however let him
    know that you still are his parent and you have a job to do for the rest of his
    life and you intend to do the things that you may have been failing at in the
    recent past. Allowing for all-out meetings just like the one you have that day
    to be had on a regular basis. Boys turning into men want respect and respect
    occurs by letting him talk honestly, without being a wall you can really get to
    know your son. Understand you may find things out that you don't like, but
    forget the past and allow this to be a turning point. The other choice you can
    give him is to continue going the way he is going, but that he may end up in the
    court system of probation and other things that
    will last a considerable amount of time and that he will not receive respect or
    keep a good woman by his side. You may have the option to make an agreement
    with his father to be the one that seems to play good cop- bad cop in the home,
    but the talk MUST be just the two of you outside of the public eye and
    distraction free. It is a sales technique to gain the trust of the prospect
    when you use your boss as the "bad-cop" who you have to go through to make any
    "special" decisions. Depending on your living situation that may be able to
    help gain trust I don't know about how effective that would be though. A lot of
    parents believe that talking to their chidren about their own mistakes will make
    your child disrespect you, but it is quite the opposite. A child will respect a
    parent who can empathize with them and who can respect them. Kids really have
    it rough these days and unfortunately they sometimes believe that they are
    invincible. Talk to him about your fear of him dying
    because of his choices. Ask him point blank questions in a non-threatening
    tone of voice and if he rolls his eyes just say as innocently as possible "I am
    just trying to find out if I am understanding what your goals are." Make sure
    that this does not have any type of sarcastic tone. Also, while you're talking
    to him understand that you to must play fair and both of you can say whatever
    you want without fear of reprocussions or the trust will be lost. You will be
    absolutely amazed at the power you hold because your flesh and blood will until
    the day he dies have in a secret place a part of him that must gain attention
    and acceptance from his mother and father. I am not a psychologist just so you
    know, but I was actually an observer in a very rough situation with a boy that I
    once dated. He had been in and out of jail due to problems with his father and
    after we met he quickly clung to me because I talked to him about these exact
    things. He was adopted as a baby and when his
    adoptive parents got divorced neither one really wanted him anymore. I played
    mom to him in a very rough point in his life and now he is really different even
    though we are not together anymore. Also, if you believe in God say a prayer
    for your ability to control your emotions enough to allow this talk to occur,
    ask God to tell you where the best place would be to have the talk, ask for wise
    wordsand peaceful resolution. I will also say a prayer for you and your son.
    One more thing is laugh and joke during tense moments. You may on that special
    day see your baby boy all over again. Good Luck and God Bless. If you need
    anymore advice or if you would like to update me on how things went you can
    email me privately or post publicly that is up to you. Thanks and Take care.
    Ann Marie
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  6. #6
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    Two good books are Love and Logic (I think Faye is the author) and Dobson's
    Strong Willed Child.
    Mostly you have to let her know you are still the boss. You can't walk on
    eggshells because you are so afraid she will run away. When you do this you
    are letting her control you, the situation, and your whole family. That
    isn't fair to you, the rest of your children or your spouse. You aren't
    doing her any favors either. She has to know the world doesn't revolve
    around her and that her temper tantrums (which is what running away is)
    won't get her everything she wants. You have to make the consequences
    severe enough and that you "love her too much to let her hurt herself like
    this". She may be involved with some really bad kids who are encouraging
    this kind of behavior. You may need to seek counseling to see what the
    underlying problem is, or is it just plain rebellion. I would talk to the
    counselor first with just you and your spouse. Then bring in your daughter
    later. The counselor will probably have some suggestions for you to try
    with her. Running away is not a normal teenage behavior, so don't let her
    or anyone else tell you it is. Running away is dangerous and I know your
    daughter doesn't understand all the dangers that are out there.

    I hope these suggestions help. Hang in there. She is worth the effort.

    Roxanne
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  7. #7
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    Some state prisons have a scared straight program...look into it, they work.
    My dad was a cop, and then a probabtion officer, we had troubled teens in
    and out of our house all the time, even had foster sister. He even brought
    home a convict for the weekend on work release, he was in for murder.
    Anyway, they need a person that they can talk to that they respect and that
    they knows respects them. They need someone to set the rules and KNOW that
    if they screw up then it's their own responsibility. Check with the
    probation office in your area, and go in and talk to the cops, they will
    help. But the best is getting them into a state prison, where they live for
    a day, sometimes a whole weekend of what they are headed for.

    Julie
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    You are not alone! We are walking on eggshells here as well. I have a 16 ds that we are having probs with, so any advise or opinions that anyone has PLEASE share how you made it thru this period of time. I have 2 more to go thru this with. We are trying counselors, but haven't gotten very far yet. How do you do this with out going completely insane?!

    Cheri
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  9. #9
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    Hello,

    Well, going insane *is* part of the process Seriously though, how people make
    it through the trying teen years is often a matter of attitude and the
    relationship that they've developed with their teenagers over the years.

    My first two children, daughters, weren't a whole bunch of trouble but my son
    who is now 21 made up for it big time. He was in a lot of trouble with drugs,
    drinking, friends who were doing the same things. I tried everything when I
    realized that he was having problems, including pulling my hair out....but I
    will tell you the biggest secrect of all in dealing with troubled teens.... they
    WANT your help no matter what they say and they are counting on your to help
    them or find help for them.

    My son finally went into a residential treatment center for drug use and told me
    later on that he *was* ready for the help but didn't know how to ask and wasn't
    sure if he'd be strong enough to deal with the process of getting better. He
    went into the center at the age of 16 and lived in the facility and went to
    school there for 9 months. I'm soooooo very proud to say that at 21 he is still
    drug free and doesn't drink or smoke. He's gained a pride in himself that I'm
    still not sure where it came from. He had a lot of family support, group
    support, and he now does public speaking engagements on the topic teens/drug use
    and has recieved several awards... even from his school district for a Turn
    Around Achievement Award. I'm happy that he's able to reach out and touch others
    and he does so in many ways. He also mentors a young boy that lives near by who
    lives with his alcholic parents.

    Have faith and prepare for hard work for both you and your child and you will be
    very proud of them one day. When I meet someone who's met my son who then tells
    me that they're so encouraged to meet such a polite, caring person.... i know
    that our hard work paid off.
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    You may want to see if there is a Young Marines program near you. Here it is only 2 hours per week & 1 Saturday per month. My 11 year old nephew just joined a few weeks ago and it certainly has made a difference already. The cost here is $40 registration and $15 per month. It is much cheaper than a bootcamp. It is run by former Marines, and the kids do push-ups if they mess up, just as the real Corp.
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    Not sure that I can help you all, but will share with you my thoughts. I have 16 year old twin boys and a 13 1/3 year old boy, so I'm really in the teen years.

    Someone once told me to pick my battles wisely and don't lecture too much. On my own, I've been praying for them daily. I also keep them involved in our church youth group activities and Boy Scouts. I've been doing this and my teens are very open and basically very good teens.

    I will be praying for those of you who have troubles with your teens.

    Hugs!
    Karen
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    Ann Marie, that is some of the best advice I ever heard. You are a wonderful person. I'm glad you're a part of this group. Nancy
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  13. #13
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    I agree with the sitting down and talking with the 16yr old. But I draw the line
    at apologizing to her for trying to parent her. I simply asked her what she
    wanted life at home to be like for the next two years until she was 18 and I
    listed them. I told her what I expected her to do for the next 2 years, how to
    act and any other items of contention and listed them. We both compromised
    /negotiated on on the list. But I made it VERY clear to her the rules I would
    NOT bend on and made it VERY crystal clear that if she refused to live by those
    few inflexible ones of mine (like go to school, not drink, etc) then she would
    need to move out at that time, get a job , drop out of school , (since she was
    failing and not going most of the time anyway )and live on her own by her own
    support and I would go to court to emancipate her at 16 with out any further
    guilt on my part. . I truly got tired of all her games and truly at that point
    I wanted her gone out of the house and away from my younger children- she was
    not a good role model for them. . after she realized I would cut her loose to
    go her own way, and not give in anymore to her tantrums and her trying to
    control, manipulate and destroy our family anymore she became more amenable ,
    seemed to mature and life became easier for us all. Its funny , but it seemed as
    if once she realized I would not play the game by HER rules anymore, and no
    longer felt guilty about her actions , she stopped all the bullcrap she had
    handed us for years. 16 is not a child anymore -they are almost adults. They are
    old enough to listen and reason with. There comes a time when they have to stop
    playing the spoiled child routine and take the consequences for their own
    actions and 16 is plenty old enough. The one rule I gave her is that if she did
    run away at any time, for whatever reason, then she was out on her own from that
    point on and I would NOT try to find her or attempt to 'convince' her to come
    back. I told her that running away is the crulest form of manipulation a child
    can do to a parent and I would never, ever forgive her for it- and I meant it.
    And I let her see I meant it.
    The good news is that she is now a sophmore in college , on a scholarship,
    working part time, lives in an apartment with a roommate, getting A's and has
    turned her life around.
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    I totally agree with everything you said. Our older son that was driving me insane thought he was pretty cool on his 18th birthday when he moved out into an apartment with his girlfriend. It only took 3 months of "real world" living and he came over to apologize to us for all he had put us thru and to ask if he could move back home and finish school. I am happy to say he's now 24 with a beautiful wife(not the girl he moved out with at 18) and new baby and promising future. At 16 and older, it is time to face there are real world consequences for your actions. And now more and more laws are changing to hold the parents liable for whatever a teen does, that you have to be the one in control or you might find yourself in jail. Teen years are a mixed bag. Sometimes it's great, sometimes not. But you can't give up or give in. No one gets instant experience when you become a parent. You do the best you can.
    Casey
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    I have two daughter, my oldest is 25 now. I did have a little problem with her in her teenage years. But, nothing major, I can home early from work one eveing and caught her in the bed with her teenage boyfriend. She threat too leave home after I grounded her from driving for a month and no telephone. She was 16 at the time. She, did leave and I told her she was welcome to leave, and that I would not stop her. She left and went to her teenage boyfriend home. His mother sent her back home clothes and all. But thank God I put her on birth control pills when she was 15. She went on and finish high school, and later went to trade scool. I could not get her to go to college no matter how I begged and pleaded. But she was consider grown. but turned out to be a pretty good kid.

    My problem now is, I have a 16yrs old girl here at home with me. She ran away from home when she was 15yrs. We found her with a 23 year old man. I had him arrested. She never spoke to me for about 2 weeks. She kept threating to run away from home again when ever I punish her for like talking back, not doing her chore, hitting her brothers, etc. So I finally was fed up with her threat. This is what I told her, "You keep threating too run away from home and you say this all the time.There is a lot happen to these girls today. They are being kidnapped, rape, and even killed. So if you don't come home one day, I am just going to assume you ran away from home. I am not even going to bother to look for you. But in reality, something really bad could have happen to you. And, when I report you missing I am going to tell the police you have constantly said you are going to run away from home."
    I have never heard her say that again. She is in high school and doing very well now. And, one good thing about her is that she love school.

    I hope my story was not too long. My point is this, you do the very best for your kids, and you do what is right in your heart. And , if, they go out and do wrong at least you will have a clear conscience.

    Thanks
    I hope this help you.
    Elva.
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