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  1. #1
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    Default Im Having trouble with my teen!

    My daughter is 16 and she has runaway once,I was wondering if there
    are any good parenting books for this age out there?? dont know
    what to do anymore,or what to say and have been walking on eggshells
    here,she is my first born and my first teen! I need some help!!
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  2. #2
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    As a mother of 5 sons ages 19 to 27 years, I've been thru the teenage turmoils more than I care to remember. My oldest two boys didn't give us any problems. The middle two almost drove me crazy. Thank goodness, the youngest was like the older ones.
    First thing I would tell from experience, you MUST operate from a position of authority. Don't be timid or afraid of "upsetting" her if she is defying the rules. Call social services and ask if they have a counseling program you could attend. Go to this even if your daughter won't. At least you know you're not alone and will get support from others that have been there, done that. Next, call the local police dept and ask what options you have pertaining to teen curfews and any info relating to teen problems they might offer. When you get this information, let your daughter know and let her know you will call the authorities if the need arises. It is the most painful thing in the world to do this, I know. But if you let her go and she keeps running away and defying you, you're only setting yourself and her up for major trouble down the road. You are doing this for your daughter so she will have a future. As far as books go, head to your library and you'll find an abundance of info on the troubling teen years. There might even be several parent groups locally that you can contact for help and support. Also, if her school has a good guidance counselor, talk to them. Maybe they could help her at school and keep an eye out for any problems you need to know about. But you have to let them know, because they have so many kids enrolled, they might miss one that really needs the help. And be sure all her teachers make you aware if she misses any classes. You have to make a cohesive team for yourself in this. When your daughter sees there are no loopholes in your plan, she will have to follow the rules or face consequences. Don't be drawn into heated arguments or shouting matches with her. Just state the way it's going to be and stick to it. She will come to realize you are doing all of this because you love her and care about her. Lastly, I would suggest if you could find a hobby or just take a daily walk together and have time to connect and start to talk that will help tremendously. Your daughter will respond when she knows what to expect with certainty. Gosh, I could go on and on, but I just wanted you to know you both will survive and get thru this. It just takes a lot of hard work and consistency. If you want or need to talk you can email me off list. I wish the best for you and your family.
    Casey
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  3. #3
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    I also have a troubled teen. My son is 17. Will not run away, but he is in
    trouble
    and hanging out with older people, into drugs. I cannot find any service to
    help me. I can
    go to the court and have him declared "incorrigable", then throw him out of the
    house. As mad as I am at him, I can't do that. He is stealing from me and
    lying. I have him in
    counseling, but that hasn't helped yet. I hope this brings some good responses.
    thank you
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  4. #4
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    The hardest thing I did at this age was to put my son into a bootcamp
    type program. It was a 6 week program and was run just like
    bootcamp. It did cost quite a bit of money but in the long run I
    think it was a great option. Kim
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  5. #5
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    I have a suggestion. Before you call Dr. Phil try to (in a very nonthreatening
    way) just talk. Go out to a secluded place like a lake or a park or just drive.
    It puts you both in a position to let it all out. Start out by letting him know
    what mistakes you have made and apologize for them. This breaks down the walls
    of defense and packs a powerful punch that he would have never expected, but be
    honest and don't hold back. Then tell him how you are concerned about him and
    you understand that there is a lot of things out there that you wish that you
    could have sheltered him from, but because you had to let him grow up you
    couldn't just put him in a bubble and keep him away from danger. Tell him that
    you don't like fighting and you don't want him to go to jail. Let him know that
    he is obviously smarter than many people and if he would like to put his
    intelligence and hard work into a career he could be extremely successful. Let
    him know how much you are really hurt and how much
    you really love him and give him a choice for a solution. Tell him that you
    are willing to make changes if he will and and set up an agreement. Set ground
    rules to communicating and meetings. Give him freedom and respect and tell him
    that you will trust him and do not question his every move. Do, however let him
    know that you still are his parent and you have a job to do for the rest of his
    life and you intend to do the things that you may have been failing at in the
    recent past. Allowing for all-out meetings just like the one you have that day
    to be had on a regular basis. Boys turning into men want respect and respect
    occurs by letting him talk honestly, without being a wall you can really get to
    know your son. Understand you may find things out that you don't like, but
    forget the past and allow this to be a turning point. The other choice you can
    give him is to continue going the way he is going, but that he may end up in the
    court system of probation and other things that
    will last a considerable amount of time and that he will not receive respect or
    keep a good woman by his side. You may have the option to make an agreement
    with his father to be the one that seems to play good cop- bad cop in the home,
    but the talk MUST be just the two of you outside of the public eye and
    distraction free. It is a sales technique to gain the trust of the prospect
    when you use your boss as the "bad-cop" who you have to go through to make any
    "special" decisions. Depending on your living situation that may be able to
    help gain trust I don't know about how effective that would be though. A lot of
    parents believe that talking to their chidren about their own mistakes will make
    your child disrespect you, but it is quite the opposite. A child will respect a
    parent who can empathize with them and who can respect them. Kids really have
    it rough these days and unfortunately they sometimes believe that they are
    invincible. Talk to him about your fear of him dying
    because of his choices. Ask him point blank questions in a non-threatening
    tone of voice and if he rolls his eyes just say as innocently as possible "I am
    just trying to find out if I am understanding what your goals are." Make sure
    that this does not have any type of sarcastic tone. Also, while you're talking
    to him understand that you to must play fair and both of you can say whatever
    you want without fear of reprocussions or the trust will be lost. You will be
    absolutely amazed at the power you hold because your flesh and blood will until
    the day he dies have in a secret place a part of him that must gain attention
    and acceptance from his mother and father. I am not a psychologist just so you
    know, but I was actually an observer in a very rough situation with a boy that I
    once dated. He had been in and out of jail due to problems with his father and
    after we met he quickly clung to me because I talked to him about these exact
    things. He was adopted as a baby and when his
    adoptive parents got divorced neither one really wanted him anymore. I played
    mom to him in a very rough point in his life and now he is really different even
    though we are not together anymore. Also, if you believe in God say a prayer
    for your ability to control your emotions enough to allow this talk to occur,
    ask God to tell you where the best place would be to have the talk, ask for wise
    wordsand peaceful resolution. I will also say a prayer for you and your son.
    One more thing is laugh and joke during tense moments. You may on that special
    day see your baby boy all over again. Good Luck and God Bless. If you need
    anymore advice or if you would like to update me on how things went you can
    email me privately or post publicly that is up to you. Thanks and Take care.
    Ann Marie
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  6. #6
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    Two good books are Love and Logic (I think Faye is the author) and Dobson's
    Strong Willed Child.
    Mostly you have to let her know you are still the boss. You can't walk on
    eggshells because you are so afraid she will run away. When you do this you
    are letting her control you, the situation, and your whole family. That
    isn't fair to you, the rest of your children or your spouse. You aren't
    doing her any favors either. She has to know the world doesn't revolve
    around her and that her temper tantrums (which is what running away is)
    won't get her everything she wants. You have to make the consequences
    severe enough and that you "love her too much to let her hurt herself like
    this". She may be involved with some really bad kids who are encouraging
    this kind of behavior. You may need to seek counseling to see what the
    underlying problem is, or is it just plain rebellion. I would talk to the
    counselor first with just you and your spouse. Then bring in your daughter
    later. The counselor will probably have some suggestions for you to try
    with her. Running away is not a normal teenage behavior, so don't let her
    or anyone else tell you it is. Running away is dangerous and I know your
    daughter doesn't understand all the dangers that are out there.

    I hope these suggestions help. Hang in there. She is worth the effort.

    Roxanne
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  7. #7
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    Some state prisons have a scared straight program...look into it, they work.
    My dad was a cop, and then a probabtion officer, we had troubled teens in
    and out of our house all the time, even had foster sister. He even brought
    home a convict for the weekend on work release, he was in for murder.
    Anyway, they need a person that they can talk to that they respect and that
    they knows respects them. They need someone to set the rules and KNOW that
    if they screw up then it's their own responsibility. Check with the
    probation office in your area, and go in and talk to the cops, they will
    help. But the best is getting them into a state prison, where they live for
    a day, sometimes a whole weekend of what they are headed for.

    Julie
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  8. #8
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    You are not alone! We are walking on eggshells here as well. I have a 16 ds that we are having probs with, so any advise or opinions that anyone has PLEASE share how you made it thru this period of time. I have 2 more to go thru this with. We are trying counselors, but haven't gotten very far yet. How do you do this with out going completely insane?!

    Cheri
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