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  1. #1
    maria
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    lately,I have been writting about how my 10 year old is being bullied

    and looking for advice and help in this area for him. But today I

    have gotten a diffrent view on this. This week is VBS and today,when

    I went to pick him up,I spoke to his teacher to ask how he did? She

    said he did well but he kept saying he didn't want to be here today.

    I thought that was odd as he was excited to go this morning,so as we

    were walking to the car,I asked him whats was going on? He said every

    church I go to they always pick on me! I asked him were they calling

    you names or hitting you? He said both. I asked him if he told the

    teachers and he said no. I then asked was there anything that you may

    have done to make the kids upset and have them pick on you? He said

    no. So I made a call to the church when I got home, and they said

    they would look into it and get back with me. And they did! The

    children's pastor was kind of hateful and made me think by the tone

    of his voice that it was all my sons fault. He said that he talked

    with the teachers as well as some other people,and said that my son

    called this boy a looser and then when he did an art project he wrote

    the childs name and wrote "is a looser" as well! The children's

    pastor said he didn't know if the boy started it when they first

    arrived,but the teachers said that my son started it.Now by no means

    do I think my son is innocent in all this,as like the pastor stated

    it takes two. But then he said I wouldn't worry about it,this is

    typical of 4th grade boys(he doesn't understand that this happens all

    the time to my son.) Now I'm wondering how much of this is actually

    my sons fault? ANd how do I go about settling/fixing it? The worst

    part is my son will NOT listen to anything I try to explain to him! I

    have told him it is never ok to call anyone any names,and if the

    child does call you a name first,it is never ok to call him one

    back,you are to tell the teacher immediatly! He told me that he

    couldn't tell the teacher.I asked him why,he said he didn't know why

    he just couldnt.I am wondering if he thinks it will get worse if he

    tells?? No matter how much I talk to him,I don't think he is

    listening or getting the message across,its like a block comes in his

    head latley when I tell him anything! Like when I was talking to him

    on what he should do and how he should respond,all he can say is my

    head hurts! Also my son seems to react when it rains,Does any of your

    kids act diffrently when it rains? By no means is this an excuse but

    could of played in a part of him wanting to come home!Also,some other

    strange things have been going on,my child acts like he's never been

    to any store in his life! As soon as he gets to the entrence,he zooms

    in the store! Before I can even blink he is gone! I have no idea

    where he is,then when I catch up with him,I again explain all the

    dangers and how he has to stay with me,again I feel like I'm not

    getting through and then he does it again or he'll just run off when

    I'm about to leave the store,and I have to go up and down the isles

    to find him! One time he even thought it was a game and started to go

    around theisles in a cirle trying to get away from me following him!

    He once told me that he is almost a teenage and teenagers don't have


    to stay by their moms all the time in the store! I told him until you

    are an offical teen ager then we can pick up on this conversation

    again,in the mean time you have to come with me,then its like he

    would do things,like pausing/stopping to delay time to go with me! I

    don't know what to do,everything I say to him,he gets defiant and

    very stubborn and just doesnt listen. How do you guys handle this?

    Especailly the bullying situation? I want my son to treat people with

    respect and not call them names but how can I get that through to

    him? I at this point am so lost,he has had an awful week,and I know

    me correcting him all the time,I must be sending him awful messages

    about himself and I hate that he thinks hes not worthy as he is

    worthy,so much so! HELP!














  2. #2
    melinda irvin
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    At first glance you son appears to be the one doing the bullying instead of the

    one being picked on. After reading more I have a few questions. Have you tested

    your son for bipolar? ADHD? ODD or ADD? My daughter is bipolar and acts a lot

    like your son and has to take medicine daily to behave properly. Have you

    considered he may have some phsychological disorder ? It does not reflect on you

    and you are not a bad parent. It can be so simple as a chemical the brain lacks.

    I don't want to suggest the worst yet until you explore these but remember that

    every bully is someone's beloved child and every crimminal was once a troubled

    child too.



    --- On Wed, 7/9/08, maria <secretwindow-jd1@sbcglobal.net> wrote:



    From: maria <secretwindow-jd1@sbcglobal.net>

    Subject: Budget101.com : I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    Date: Wednesday, July 9, 2008, 3:22 PM





    lately,I have been writting about how my 10 year old is being bullied

    and looking for advice and help in this area for him. But today I

    have gotten a diffrent view on this.






  3. #3
    J Diane Northcutt
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)


    >He said every
    church I go to they always pick on me! <

    I have four sons and know a little bit about boys.
    Ifyour sonis always picked-on at every church he attends, then he is doing something to cause this. I am sending you a link from a parenting web site that has an articleabout a very similar situation. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles...a-mother-asks/
    I really hope this help.
    Diane
    [quote]
    ----- Original Message -----
    From: maria
    To: Budget101_@yahoogroups.com
    Sent: Wednesday, July 09, 2008 3:22 PM
    Subject: Budget101.com : I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)



    <DIV id="ygrp-msg">




    He said every
    church I go to they always pick on me!





  4. #4
    Lucy Anderson
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    Hmmm..... I have one of those kids. Don't think I can offer answers as I

    don't have them all yet....



    Our son (now 14) would get in fights at school constantly - get suspended,

    etc. He gets called names - they pick on him - this was all the story he

    brought home. He came home with a fat lip and we called the school ready to

    go to bat for him, as he said he was beaten and he didn't do anything.

    Turns out he took a basketball away from some kids and refused to give it

    back. Another time he got beaten up in the locker room - oh - how unfair he

    tells us. Turns out he was calling this group of kids "niggers." Trouble

    for him is now he has a stepbrother in his same grade who can come home and

    tell the truth about what is going on. (We have other independent sources

    as well, so it is clear that he starts a lot of this.)



    He is ADHD, but that is no excuse to go through life in trouble. His social

    skills are LOW. He gets into people's personal space, pops off with

    absolutely off the wall questions and can generally drive you nuts.

    Therefore, the other kids are not exactly wanting to hang out with him. You

    can tell him the problems he is causing till you are blue in the face and he

    does not change. We are at wits' end as well.



    He is 14 and bigger than everyone except dad. He goes to counseling and we

    have tried ADHD meds - they all made him worse.



    He ended up threatening me, throwing rocks at his grandma (lives with us and

    is 72), threatening his siblings over various things - the girls are afraid

    of him and I are afraid of him. He took a pocketknife to school and got

    suspended. We ended up placing him with a grandparent who can spend

    full-time just keeping up with him for the time being. I wish I had

    answers. Of course, if we were allowed free rein of parenting, things would

    probably be easier, but his bio mother keeps over-ruling our parenting

    decisions.



    He failed seventh grade because he refused to do his work. He is very

    capable and bright but he absolutely refused to do homework or turn anything

    in. We said "That's OK - what happens when you don't do your work is you

    repeat the grade or you pay for summer school." That was working until his

    bio mom interfered and talked the principal into passing him. In eighth

    grade, he did the same thing. I ended up saying "You are more than welcome

    to come to the family dinner table and have dinner..... AFTER the homework

    is all done neatly and shown to us." This worked for awhile - he had dinner

    kinda late a couple nights but he always ate and actually did his work for a

    bit, until his bio mom complained that "we were so mean and abusive."



    He stole all of the family's snacks (separate from the incident above), so I

    told him that his school lunch money was now going to replace the snacks for

    the rest of the kids and he could either work in the school cafeteria to

    earn his lunch (after I checked with the lunchroom lady), pack a lunch, or

    miss lunch. I was very calm with "I have to feed all of you. It is very

    hard to miss lunch. It is very hard for your siblings to miss after school

    snack too. I just have to balance it all out. I'm sure you will make up

    the money very quickly." He did make up most of it, and then his siblings

    forgave him the rest of it - which was something I was trying to teach them

    too.



    When he would run away in the store, I would simply announce that I (and the

    car) was leaving in 15 minutes. He had two choices, be in the car or not.

    When he was not at the car, he found that I had left. (He was old enough to

    walk home, so I didn't worry too terribly). That was the last time he did

    not cooperate in the store. He would get into fights with his sister in the

    car and drive us nuts. So, I pulled over and said that they were probably

    fighting because there was not enough fresh air in the car which was surely

    a problem. I told them that they could solve this by walking home and made

    them get out. I drove off (but came around and stayed just where I could

    see them from the car, but they couldn't see me) and they walked home (about

    1/2 mile), heads down and quiet the whole way. None of the kids have fought

    in the car since. It only takes once of "Hey - mom means it."



    I guess my basic philosophy is that I let natural consequences teach the

    kids. When they are upset because of being treated badly, I empathize

    completely and tell them "That is so sad. I heard that you might have

    called xxx kid a looser. I can see why they would call you names because of

    that. But you are smart, so I bet you can think up a way to make it

    better." Put the problem back on their plate and walk away. If he wants to

    come home from shopping with you, he needs to be with you at the car when

    you leave. If he is not, you leave and the problem of getting home is

    suddenly back on his plate. (Did this with the daughter who refused to be

    on time for her ride after school - the first day she "missed the bus and

    wouldn't I come pick her up." I came, handed her a map of how to get home,

    told the school office she had permission to walk home in the future and

    took her home. The next morning she dawdled and "missed the bus" to

    school. I smiled, said "OK - sure good thing you have that map." She said

    "I threw it away." I said "Gosh - it sure is going to be harder to get to


    school then isn't it? I hope you make it in time to order lunch" - directed

    her to the front door and walked away. I checked in with her teacher so he

    would tell me when she got there so I could stop worrying and told him that

    this was an unexcused tardy, so if he gave detention that was OK. I was

    told she arrived at school a very subdued young lady and she has never

    missed the bus since - she even drags her little sister out the door on

    time.



    Correction is kept to a minimum. The ownership of the problem remains with

    the child. You are there to support him through the troubles that he incurs

    when he treats people badly, when his misses his ride home, when he makes

    poor decisions. Empathize and let him know that you make mistakes too and

    he is smart enough to fix his problems. This way, you don't send negative

    messages about the child's worth, you build his self-esteem.



    With my son above, some of that worked. But whenever we were over-ridden

    and could not stick to our guns, it didn't work. And I think the biggest

    lesson he is learning now is that if you are violent to people, whomever

    they are, then you don't get to be with those people anymore. We still love

    him and tell him this. He tried to pull the "I want to come home and I'm

    really sorry about all this stuff I did." and dad said "Thank you for

    apologizing. That helps us to feel better. I hope you enjoy your summer at

    xxxx." and the conversation ended there.



    On Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:22 PM, maria <secretwindow-jd1@sbcglobal.net>

    wrote:



    > lately,I have been writting about how my 10 year old is being bullied

    > and looking for advice and help in this area for him. But today I

    > have gotten a diffrent view on this. <SNIPPED>






  5. #5
    Ann Garner
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    Make sure there's some praise in with that correcting. Plus, the way

    you are correcting makes a big difference. "We don't talk that way,

    that is not a word to use" is totally different than "Don't use that

    word, only stupid people use it." So, watch your wording. In fact,

    it might be a help to tape what you say, then listen to it

    later. There's no problem with going back and saying to your son, "I

    didn't mean to sound like that. I should have said it this

    way." Reassure him that you are proud of him, but that the way he is

    acting is upsetting you. I know I've heard "I love you, but not the

    way you acted." several times when I was young, and it focused on the

    way I was acting, not my myself as a person.



    Ann in Arkansas



    At 02:22 PM 7/9/2008, you wrote:

    >I at this point am so lost,he has had an awful week,and I know

    >me correcting him all the time,I must be sending him awful messages

    >about himself and I hate that he thinks hes not worthy as he is

    >worthy,so much so! HELP!

    >










  6. #6
    Therese Serres
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    I did this to an extent. I love the Love and Logic books and have taken many

    classes based on these books.



    On Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 1:27 PM, Lucy Anderson <lucy.fortin@gmail.com> wrote:



    > Hmmm..... I have one of those kids. Don't think I can offer answers as I

    > don't have them all yet....






  7. #7
    Candy
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    Yes, I also have a bi-polar child tho he's actually an adult now at 18,but

    he sounds a lot like your son. Fights in the car, the running away in a

    store. He did those things when he was younger too.



    On 7/9/08, melinda irvin <moon_goddess129@yahoo.com> wrote:

    >

    > At first glance you son appears to be the one doing the bullying instead of

    > the one being picked on. After reading more I have a few questions.






  8. #8
    sewpartner
    Guest

    Default I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO(LONG)

    Ann has great points. Good post. My input is simply: He is a boy!! I

    have raised all boys. They hit 10, and you are no longer a person,

    female, or woman. You are simply a mom, whose whole purpose in life

    is to take care of his needs without the other guys knowing you have

    a mom. Two of my boys were getting bored in a craft store and

    decided to hold hands, sing and skip down the aisles. Why? Because

    that is what boys do! Your reaction and hand wringing is what they

    are waiting for, so don't sweat the small stuff. The more you fuss

    over every word they say, they have won the battle. Pick your

    battles, as this war will continue for many more years.



    This is what guys do. Sneaking the cat in the microwave, playing

    with matches, inventing bigger speakers, raw egg fight, calling each

    other names. It means nothing, just a boy growing up. I am surprised

    your pastor was acting like a jerk, as I am sure he did the exact

    same stuff as a kid. So don't freak out, and get used to the boy

    answer: "I dunno." Anna



    >

    > At 02:22 PM 7/9/2008, you wrote:

    > >I at this point am so lost,he has had an awful week,and I know

    > >me correcting him all the time,I must be sending him awful

    messages

    > >about himself and I hate that he thinks hes not worthy as he is

    > >worthy,so much so! HELP!

    > >

    >










 

 
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