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  1. #1

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    My son is age 10,he is a special needs child as well as a legally

    disabled child. As long as i can remember he has been picked

    on/called names/even beat up by his peers.When we first moved in this

    apartment complex he was just trying to make friends and got beaten

    up by about 10 boys.ALthough this was taken care of by the apartments

    managers,the kids now either avoid him,ignor him or just say

    something to him when he has a new toy their interrested in.Then blow

    him off after breaking his toys.Recently we were at the public

    pool,and my son saw this boy who was clearly younger then him,and

    smaller in height as well,I assumedthat my s on knew him,cuz he went

    over to him,the kid was sitting with his feet in the pool and my son

    pushed him in.I thought ok everything is fine they will

    play,well,they both got out of the pool and the little boy punched

    him in the stomach! My son doesn't know how to defend his self of

    fight. He came over to me upset,and couldn't understand why the kid

    punched him.I told him that he probably didn't like that you pushed

    him in the pool.My son has very bad social skills,and has a hard time

    making friends,and he doesn't read social cues well either,so my son

    said I only wanted to play with him. I then told him it wouldn't be

    the best thing for you to play with him right now and that you need

    to stay away from him. For the rest of that day that little kid kept

    looking to start something with my son,he followed him everywhere. So

    I finally had it,and wwent over to that little boy.I told him why do

    you keep following my son,he said well he freaking pushed me in the

    pool! I was shocked at the language he used,and told him well I saw

    that,I also saw that you got a shot at my son,so I think you guys are

    way more then even and I want you to leave him alone now,and I will

    tell himthe same thing,and while he was looking I told my son to

    leave the boy alone. That was that. But my thing is what if I wasn't

    there??? Its the same where ever he goes.We were both going to VBC

    and we rode the church bus,there were 3 other boys on the bus

    too,they seemed to like my son and got along fine.The 2nd day I

    couldnt make it but sent my son not thinking anything would

    happen,but he came home quite upset,telling me they picked on him and

    started to call him bad names and he didn't want to go back.I fell

    like my son has the words"PICK ON ME" on his forehead. I dont know

    what to do because I'm not going to be there all his life to protect

    him these kids all his life. In August he is going to Middle

    school,and most of the kids who bullied him will ride the school

    bus,he won't be riding everyday but there will be days where he will

    have to ride,I know these kids will pick on him and I dont know what

    to do about it. I already meationed it to the principal and she said

    we'll deal with it when it happens.Bad thing is though,because my son

    is already labled by the school system and the other kids he almost

    always gets the blame,sometimes not even asking him or litening to

    both sides! This is why my son doesnt speak up or tell anyone becaus

    ehe says they dont listen to him. What do I do? Why do kids even

    bully in the first place? I know here the boys have a "follow me

    complex,if one does it they all jump in" I feel really bad for my son

    because he so much wants to belong and fit in,and the kids pick on

    him because he is diffrent. Any advice at all? Do you guy know of any

    reading material/books exctra that may help? I know this must be

    effecting my son and I want to encourage him,especially his self

    esteem.Have any of you delt with this at all?What did you do??

  2. #2

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    Only thing I can suggest is when your son is not around - talk to the

    boys that live by you. Tell them matter of factly that your son is

    disabled and that while you do NOT expect them to be his friends and

    hang out with him you WOULD appreciate it if they would NOT make his

    life any harder by calling him names or hitting him and you worry about

    him at school and on the bus and if they'd keep a look out when they

    are around and not let anyone else hurt him you'd sure appreciate it.

    Be sure to mention that you don't expect them to babysit but hey, man

    if you see someone going to punch him, please get him some help. Then

    give them an ice cream or candy bar for listening to you.

    Maybe, just maybe, they'll then feel a little responsible and back

    off. If they do come and tell you - such and such happened today or I

    stopped a kid from hitting him, etc be SURE to reward them with a candy

    bar or something.

    Sounds terrible, I know, but kids respond to rewards and they can then

    tell their friends "I'm not a softie, I just wanted the candy bar"

    Might see if any other disabled boys live around and maybe have play

    times with them so your son doesn't feel so left out of things.


  3. #3
    Val Coulman

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    Is your son in regular classes or does he participate in Steps classes (or other specially designed classes)? Sometimes a school will have a buddy program that pairs an older student (or a class peer) with special needs children and it can help prevent a lot of this type of behavior. It is important to keep your son's school/ bus driver/teachers informed of any situations so they can do their part in addressing them. Unfortunately we can't prevent all bullying but we can do our best to minimize its impact on our children.

    It might also be helpful to find some social training that will help your son learn some of the more conventional social skills. I don't know what his special needs are so I'm sorry if these are not viable options. I have a friend that is a paid "mentor" for several developmentally challenged young adults in the area and it's for this sort of public or social situations. She takes them to basketball games or to the park, etc and is a combination friend/counselor for these people. She can help them learn what's expected as well as prevent any real unpleasantness from people who don't understand.

    And a last option is to do what you can to help your son develop his own unique skills and strengths. Self-confidence has a surprising impact on reducing bullying - both how often it occurs and the impact is has on our children. Our sons are in Tae Kwan Do (martial arts self-defense) and even just the change it's made in the way they carry themselves has been remarkable.

    There are some good resources for children and for teachers about bullying. A good place to start is You could also talk with your son's librarian or media specialist to be sure these are available for the other students in the school too.

    It's a difficult situation and I hope you find a solution that works.

    On Sun, Jun 22, 2008 at 12:12 PM, maria <> wrote:

    My son is age 10,he is a special needs child as well as a legally

    disabled child. As long as i can remember he has been picked

    on/called names/even beat up by his peers.[/quote]
    Val Coulman

  4. #4
    Sally Vanwinkle

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    Do you have a support group or play group that you can get with other parents

    with the same or common situation you are in? Are you able to transfer him to

    another school?Are you able to home school even if that means sacrificing your

    job and or house to make ends meet? I'm just throwing some ideas out there.I

    really hope someone can help you and find the answers you need.

    Best Regards,


    ----- Original Message ----

    From: maria <>


    Sent: Sunday, June 22, 2008 2:12:38 PM

    Subject: : Bullying continues(long)

    My son is age 10,he is a special needs child as well as a legally

    disabled child. As long as i can remember he has been picked

    on/called names/even beat up by his peers.

  5. #5

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    See if you can find this book at the library. It's called "Words Will Never

    Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns" it's written by

    Sally Northway Ogden. Another excellent, excellent book to read is

    Parenting with Love & Logic" by Jim Fay.


    -------Original Message-------

    From: maria

    Date: 6/22/2008 12:12:43 PM


    Subject: : Bullying continues(long)

    My son is age 10,he is a special needs child as well as a legally

    disabled child. As long as i can remember he has been picked

    on/called names/even beat up by his peers.

  6. #6
    lisa griffeth

    Default Bullying continues(long)


    My youngest child had some of the social issues- having her be around other children in small controlled (ie: parents watching) groups helped very much. At first, her idea of "asking" a child to play was to either pull her off the jungle gym (physically!) or follow her around like a dog that wanted another dog's bone....not a good feeling for anyone involved.

    Afterthe group time was over, she and I talked through who was nice, how she could be a better friend, how to ask someone to play in a reasonable way. It sounds so basic, but some kids just aren't born with the ability to "read" the other kids for some reason. Our school system helped us with this as well, but her issues were caught at a much younger age that your son is now. Some kids (and parents) are more willing to help out by being friends with a special needs child...if you have anyone like that near you, I would suggest you schedule time for your child to be around their child on a regular basis- maybe making cookies, watching tv...just normal kid things. Then after the other child goes home, discuss with your child what went well, what didn't go so great, and what he could try next time to "be a better friend"...we neverused negative terms when discussing the inability to connect with anotherchild.

    Middle school is rough for even non-special needs kids! It is very important to make your voice heard with the people in charge at his school- not to complain, but to explain- this is my child, I love him, he doesn't always make the best choices when trying to make new friends, how can we work <together> to help him have a good year? For us, being the ones to mention it first to the teachers rather than having it just happen was huge- when they know how to direct the kids prior to having an issue it seems to go more smoothly for everyone involved.


    Lisa G.

  7. #7
    Rhonda Bates

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    I am interested in reading this advice. My son is also special needs and he

    is 20. When he walks through the neighborhood, he is constantly picked on.

    I just keep trying to train him to stay away from these kids. He is still a

    work in progress.

    Rhonda in TX

  8. #8

    Default Bullying continues(long)

    MARIA: Recently we were at the public pool,and my son saw this boy who

    was clearly younger then him,and smaller in height as well.... The kid

    was sitting with his feet in the pool and my son pushed him in

    RIA: 4 of 5 of my kids are special needs, behavior, medical and even

    MR etc etc so I am not picking on you or your son ..

    regardless of his social skills or lack of them - reality is he was

    the bully at the pool .. he should have apologized to the young boy.

    If needed you could verbally cued him to do so

    As for the other kid - what if his swimming skills were not that good?

    or non existent?

    Chances are since it was out of the blue he also swallowed some water

    .. Personally when my kids were little at the pool, they would be in

    so much trouble for being wet (it means they were in the pool without

    my supervision)

    Don't assume the little boy didn't have some special needs himself.

    Even though he did hit back it doesn't make it even in a kid's mind ..

    their thinking is: I wasn't doing anything and a BIGGER/OLDER stranger

    came up pushed me in the pool

    remind him how it feels to get picked on .. would he feel better if he

    got an apology from the kids that pick on him? then so would the

    little boy

    Poor social skills means more work for you. Unfortunately it means you

    have to prep him BEFORE you are in public.... before you get out of

    the car a reminder ... examples: "son, today we are going to the park"

    " we are bringing a ball, do not throw it at people" "ask if they want

    to play" "what are the rules? no pushing shoving"

    It also means you have to be the 'nag' where are you going? do you

    know those kids? what do you need to say to them first? .. if he does

    know them (be aware sometimes its just they think they recognize them

    from somewhere) what are their names? where did you meet them? are

    these the kids that were picking on you? (many times our kids will

    still want to play with them)

    How is he for transistioning? My middle one was horrible on any changes

    This summer check with the library for book club, any nature clubs in

    area? Try to get him into some small groups that you can 'volunteer'

    as a helper (even if in another area). Usually small groups are

    better- you can verbally cue before you leave, & before you leave the

    car. Try a sing song type rule list.

    It stinks but unfortunately kids pick on anyone different, and

    EVERYONE is different at some point, but our kids are different

    most/all the time .. As they age out, it gets worse.

    I honestly think the idea of mainstreaming is not the best, as our

    kids do not present their best (especially all day) if they only were

    mainstreamed for subjects they were good in, it would help. My second

    son (34) was the last kid who had the old style special ed .. He did

    not mainstream for math till he was able to do it - he knew it was a

    real accomplishment .. Matt, middle kid (now 22) did the whole

    mainstream except for certain classes - it was horrible .. they took

    him out of science to do math, sent him back during reg math (so he

    missed science), took him out of history for reading and lang arts

    (again he missed hist)

    I started my kids early on skills that their peers did not have.. So

    they learned to use tools and made bird feeders, bird houses etc for

    the classroom .. They cooked early so they could bring in a meal that

    had to do with what country they were studying in history. My dd is

    MR (mentally retarded) but she learned to use tools by age 6 (nothing

    fancy at that point but still more than the average 6 yr old), by 8

    she could with help cook special meals or goodies for the classroom.

    Any physical skills? My 2nd son was one heck of a runner so that

    became his skill for getting more friends, they were all in track. I

    did the track mom bit and brought first aid kit, water, gloves in

    early spring (it was cold), etc etc .. Once I got pregnant with #5 it

    did mean I had to cut back but by then he was pretty tight with the

    whole group.

    There are all kinds of materials for free online (or write me direct

    at .. if he learns astronomy and you are outside

    checking out stars this is a skill for later in science and also for

    nature club .. ditto bird identification

    Can you adopt a corner or flower box in area? This way he can learn

    about plants, but more importantly people passing by see him doing

    'good'.. those that walk usually comment in a positive manner (very

    important for our kids) .. Many elders are lonesome and love to chat,

    he is learning social skills even though its not with kids

    Boys today don't get a chance to work with their hands .. I was lucky

    because our backyard became the place kids could build bikes, make

    forts etc etc ..If they didn't know how to fix their bikes I showed

    them how, if they wanted to build then I had the tools etc. It was

    messy and the one neighbor would call codes every so often, but the

    kids knew if they wanted to play in the yard - they had to follow the




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