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Tombstone Sayings Beneath this stone
lies a merry lass
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, I bet, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below
First a cough that carried me off
Then in a coffin they carried me off in
He caught a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing an angel's note
Bob took time off work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
Now he's semi-retired
Once I wasn't and the I was
And now I ain't all over again
Ida Voider:
She walked in beauty like the night -
Beware her now, she's such a fright!
When your razor is dull but you need a shave
Think of the man who lies in this grave
Any day above ground is a good day
Rest in peace, dear Cousin Hewitt,
We all know that you didn't do it.
While living folks my tomb do view,
Remember well - there's room for you!
Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me
The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave
Time was I stood where thou dost now
And viewed the dead as thou dost me
Before long you'll be as low as me
While others stand and gaze at thee
Stop by here, my friends, as you pass by
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now so you still must be.
Prepare for death and follow me.
Behold and see as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now you soon will be
Prepare for death and follow me
Sweet Rosie O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She decided 'twas time to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard
He stole our stuff - he had no class
So we got medieval on his ass
We all have a debt to nature due
I've paid mine - and so must you.
Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' more than he could pay
Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I.
It does my heart a world of good
To see you buried in a box of wood
You slept with them all when you were a-creepin'
Now you sleep alone while worms start to seep in.
In loving memory from your grieving widow...
Expert gardener Pete Moss
Is now enriching the soil
Grimm Rictus
1837 - 1913
Death's Grip Holds Me Tight,
But I Shall Return One Night
Ruth and Johnny, side by side,
Went out for an auto ride
They hit a bump - Ruth hit a tree
And John kept going
Ruthlessly.
She was a suicide blonde -
Dyed by her own hand.
The hyacinthine boy for whom
Morn well might break and April bloom.
On the 22nd day of June
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune
This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
But not Sarah's virtues to record
For they're well known to all the town
No Lord - it was raised to keep her down!
Life is a jest, and all things show it -
I thought so once and now I know it!
Pass on, reader, and don't waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this stone insures,
And what I was is no affair of yours.
Stop, reader, pray and read my gate
What caused my life to terminate
For thieves by night when in my bed
Broke in my house and shot me dead.
Loving and kind in all their ways,
Upright and just to the end of their days.
Sincere and true in Heart and Mind,
What a beautiful memory they left behind
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease -
He is not here, there's only his pod.
He shelled out his peas and went to his God.
John Penny
Reader, if cash you are in want of any
Dig six feet deep and you'll find a Penny
Don't attempt to climb up in a tree
That's what caused the death of me!
Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here I lie because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
But here I lie as warm as they.
An amiable father here lies at rest
As ever God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth
Buried here beneath this clay
Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
Now in his simpeternal home
A constant source of high-grade loam
When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten,
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, it's said, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below.
Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
You reading this stone should really know,
The chap buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree, thus removing his head!
Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I say!
So when I told her she was getting fat,
She caved in my head with a baseball bat!
All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
He said he knew he ought to quit
With every cigarette that he lit
So now his butt will always lie
In the big ashtray in the sky
In heavy traffic he'd never postpone
A single call on his cell phone
So listen closely and I vow
He's still asking "Can you hear me now?"
Anna Retsick always wanted to be thin
Wishing she looked like bones and skin
Saying no to every dish
Now at last she got her wish
This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL
Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed
Stephen and time
Are now both even
Stephen beat time
But now time's beat Stephen
I was somebody ~
Who is no business of yours!
Dr. Fred Roberts
1875~1931
Office Upstairs
Mr. Fish
Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change
Fish is bait for worms
Is not that passing strange
I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
Carolina dead!
Dr. Ignatius Letsome
When people's ills they come to I
I physics, bleeds and sweats 'em
Sometimes they lives, sometimes they die
What's that to I?
I. Letsome
He was so brave
He was so cute
Until he forgot
His parachute
Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug
<<and next to that gravestone, another reads:>>
Here I lie snugger than that other bugger
He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light!
William Wilson -
Here lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you
1890 - The light of my life has gone out.
1891 - I have struck another match
To follow thee is not my intent
Unless I know which way thou went
Weep not for me mother and brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
AT my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home
I shopped, I bought
In debt, I rot
Those reading this stone should really know,
the fellow buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree thus removing his head!
Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I'd say.
So when I told her she was getting fat,
she caved in my head with a baseball bat!
Rest in Peace Nathaniel Ward
His Chevy Nova hit a Ford
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Blown upward, out of sight
He traced the leak by candle light
When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten.
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
A.O. Elle
1985-2005
Connection Terminated
Shot in the head by a golfer's gun
He sure put a hole in Juan!
His speed was high, the weather not
His tires were worn - X marks the spot
The midnight ride of Paul for beer
Led to a warmer hemisphere
Traveled too long - the driver snoozing
What happened next was not amusing.
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